the comforts of stomach acid

Going back to right now…

I have had a symptom full kind of week. I can’t pinpoint any good reason as to why! It has been so up and down lately, like a heart moniter wave, except the up and down isn’t a sign of health or vitality, its more of a sign of ill health and unstability. I wonder what my brain waves would look like on a machines screen?  And wouldn’t it be nice if the brain wave machine had something like a volume dial to tone down  the chaotic waves to a more steady ripple. Like a lakes rippleing tide.

Or would that just make me a boring robot?

…Going back to Yarn monster. Yarnie has been right at my side. Attached at the hip. My siamise twin. I had another episode of throwing up blood. (I hope this isn’t triggering, if it is, im sorry, thats not my intention) This was on Wednesday, My very independent Independence Day. I had anxiety filling my stomach, frustration panic, basically a lot that had no business being in my stomach. As I tried to rid myself of it all, I also brought up a little stuff that should have stayed in me. Its not a nice sight to see. And it should be a sight that stops the behavior, yet, it didn’t….or hasn’t yet. Infact, it made me want to bleed more. I accidentally triggered myself into more destructive behavior. Of course I didn’t have to act upon this behavior, but Im weak, so I did. I feel like Yarnies puppet. I’m told to do it, so I do it. Instead of fighting back and being strong, I give in. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough mental energy to fight back. Physical and mental energy are very different. My mental energy level is low, where as to my physical energy falls around the average to a little less level. Im picturing it as a themometor reading. Mental energy is winter weather temperature, physical, early spring temperature.

Yarnie likes winter. It makes me weak, but it fuels Yarnie.

And its asome what awful that the taste of stomach acid has become a comfortable felling. A reasuring feeling. A taste better than any other taste. Its the taste of nothing or the taste of stomach acid that Yarnie likes the best. Stupid monster!!! 

He wants it all, or nothing at all.

Yesterday at work I was really tired. Thus another mini table nap. Again I had to pry myslef of the top of the table. If I didn’t, I would have fell into a deep sleep. There was no room for that. I had to stay for aftercare. I just love how easy it is to feel tired during the day, and have sleep want to come during the day, and then night comes around, and sleep is nowhere to be found. I wish there was a lost and found sleep bin so I could just simply dig through it to find my lost sleep I left behind from earlier that day. Life holds such wonderful little jokes!

…Well let me tell you this Life…its not funny! Its mean. You are making people go bananas with this joke. I see no leason to be learned with this one, so just stop will ya?

….In camp basic life news, we took the campers on a field trip to the movie theater to see Brave. Like I thought, a few of the kids had minor melt downs. It was the bear, the bear is a tad scary. There were three cryers, and a few who sat on the edge of their seats the whole time. The one I thought was going to flip actually did really well. Tell me how she was afraid of the little bunnies in the movie Hop, but be just fine with the ferocious giant bear. Not to mention, this beeing he first time she had ever been to a movie theater and having the giant bear be extra extra giant on the movie screen. I was quite suprised I didn’t have to remove her from the theater. I thought for sure she would be be screaming and wailing, if not chatting through out the whole movie. Her name is Katie, but I call her Chatty Cathy. Chatty Cathy did great and was a Silent Susie! I was thankful for her Silent Susie-ness! Professor Child enjoyed the movie and was quick to tell us that he was quite impressed with the animated special effects. Oooohhh Professor Child. He never fails to amuse me! Him and his nymphs! Ha!

I was rather bored this evening and resorted to going to a couple of stores with my mom. Such special times….We went to the grocery store and she proceeded to shout this to me in the parking lot, as I was some what far ahead of her…" Dot Sam and ask her what kind of pit juice she wants" ….clueless as to what that means? Don”t feel bad, most would be. I wasn’t so much as clueless as embarrased by this. But let me translate…"text Sam (my younger sister) and ask her what deodorant she wants" Oh mom! She calls texting "dotting", and has yet to catch on to its actual name. Im not sure where the pit juice came from though. So as she was shouting this across the parking lot full of people, she had to make it even better by waving her hand back and forth under her arm pit….because I guess just calling deoderant pit juice wasn’t quite enough…I had to see the hand signal for it too. I couldn’t respond to her because I was to busy making a hasty entrance into the grocery store so more people wouldn’t see me responding to such a foreing language. I understand she is a mom, and moms do things like that to their children…but pit juice? Really? And she wasn’t even trying to embarass me, she was legitamently (ignore the butchered spelling there) calling it pit juice…………………. And this is why I tend to avoid going places with my mom.