The art of candy art

Here is my starting off point to this entry, as I’m sure this entry will span out over the course of a few days.

It was a long day.

I have been denied sleep. (per usual) I think its been about 45 minutes of sleep in the last 48 hours. I am so tired, but appearently that means nothing to my brain.

Last night was awful. My stomach told me so. I continue to complain about my stomach, I know, its getting old.

I had a drs. appointment yesterday evening. I always feel like shit after leaving the office. I hear the words " you are doing well" and its a slap in the face. Although it should be good news, I never take it that way.

Such a twisted disorder.

I told the dr. about my stomach. He concluded what I concluded a long time ago. The fucking side effects. It seems rather pointless for me to even be on the meds. Last visit, I told him that my moods have been pretty low, the meds were upped, moods stayed the same, stomach killed me. This time he says to decrease the dosage. Im going to go ahead and take a wild guess and say that my mood will be the same, with possible stomach pain. I don’t know anymore. I suppose thats why I’m not a doctor.

I didn’t take the meds for two days because they were all out. Last night my stomach hurt so bad I was nearly wimpering like a baby. I got out of bed around 6am because I was sure I was going to throw up. I didn’t, there was nothing to throw up.

I have been trying to take the meds with a little bit of food before I go to bed, which my brain hates by the way, but the last two nights I figured there was no need.

So after a night of withering and whining and not a single minute of sleep, I still had to get the kids to school. I was looking forward to coming back home and crashing, but guess what?? No luck until some time after 10:30am. I was so damn tired, but I still could not fall asleep. Again, my stomach! after falling asleep, I woke up about 45 minutes later. It wasn’t enough rest but I had to deal with it. I went through the rest of the day feeling like a cranky child who needed a nap, except I didn’t have that option. And then to make it worse, I saw the news, only a few minutes after I woke up. I have no words for that right now….just the lingering thought of it. Too much. Thats all I know.

I had to make some cookies for tomorrow. Ada is having her cookie exchange/gingerbread house making thing tomorrow. I should have made the damn cookies way earlier, but my ability to stay on task….(well, I don’t know where my ability to do that is)…has prevented me from getting it done at a reasonable time. I just finished making them. And I am still so damn tired, yet here I am…because my brain hates me.

Oh, and heres the fun part, after my lengthy 45 minutes of rest, I awoke from a dream about a pig giving birth to a zebra slipper. That…that..that is so fucking bizarre. I guess thats why I woke up. No one would want to stick around for such an event. I get the zebra slipper part, because I have a pair of zebra slippers, but you better believe I will now forever and always hesitate putting those on my feet.

I couldn’t get warm today. Evelyn was so sweet, she took it upon herself to warm up her rice pillow for me to hold onto.

Have I mentioned how much I hate cold weather? It makes me angry. Im shivering now, and I am all cozied up in my bed with several blankets. And I am still awake.

I get really angry when I see someone who can fall asleep so quickly and easily. I get mad at them, as if its all their fault. Its complete jealousy on my part! I am so so so jealous! Its like my mind can’t even wrap around the idea of how somebody can sleep with little effort. Its like a foreign language. I can remember being the only one left awake at sleepovers and just crying because I was angry that I didn’t have the ability to rest. I would deliberately make noises in hopes that someone else would wake up and not be able to fall back asleep. I wanted others to know how it felt. I would tell my friends about not being able to sleep and they would just brush it off like it was no big deal and then put it all back on me by saying I was the one who was so damn picky about noises and everything (which they were right about) But they never could understand why, and that I didn’t have control over it. I was always told to grow up and relax, and to just get use to the noises and all. I was also told over and over that I should accept the fact that I will grow up alone. I still get told that.

My predictions about this entry were infact, correct. The second hour of Sunday. I began this entry Wednesday night I beleive.

Today I made a half ass attempt at gingerbread house making. Apparently the makers off gingerbread house kits have finally figured out that despite the ‘everything included to assemble gingerbread house’ idea, there are still many of us who struggle with the task of assembling walls with icing. Now many gingerbread house kits have took it upon themselves to just prefabricate the damn things. Which, I am all about, because for the life of me, I cannot figure out the art of icing glue and architecture. Honestly, how the hell do people do it? I don’t get it, and I would like to know how people even have the patience for it. My sister and I were working on a house together and my interest lasted for maybe ten minutes. I pretty much just left the decorating all up to my sister. I prefered picking out all the colorful candies to use to decorate the house. I may have mentioned this before, but I adore the sight of candy. I find great pleasure in looking at it. Its just so….jolly…or something. Those swirly twirly lollypops are the best. I always just wanted them to look at and display. You can imagine my excitement when candyland was brought out to play! It was like getting to take a trip to fantasy land. I wanted to move to candyland. I was totally cool with the thought of having to deal with Lord Licorice.

I made Langues de chat cookies to take with me to the gingerbread house event. I don’t know how they tasted. I also made these candycane melty candy sprinkle things. I don’t know how they tasted either. And really, I don’t even know how one would go about eating one. I just liked the way they looked.

I was late to babysitting this afternoon because I was having a hard time staying on task. I think Laura was pretty annoyed with me. At first I tried to blame the traffic lights for my tardiness….but nope…nope,it was all me. I owned up to it. So then I made sure to throw in the line "I am going to try to work harder on my time management and priorities so this won’t keep happening" Which I guess wasn’t all that true, not that I don’t want to work on it, but I just keep forgetting to work on it. Its not exactly a priority. Soooooo this leaves me nowhere. And I will most likely do the same damn thing next Saturday. I will let you know next week about how it goes.

I was also late to meeitng up with a friend for coffee this afternoon too. I didn’t go to my support group this afternoon because gingerbread house making got in the way. I wanted to go to both, but figured gingerbread house making with Ada happens once a year, and I could still meet up with my group friend afterwards to have somewhat of a meeting. I had enoug

h time between that and gingerbread house party to do that, except I didn’t have enough time. Again, I got off task, lost track of time, and ran my mouth for almost another hour after I had planned to leave. So what should have been coffee mini meeting time at 1:30pm until babysitting time, it became almost 3pm when I got to starbucks. Which of couse then became 3:35pm while I was still at the Starbucks across town, and I should have been at Lauras at 3:30.

I was on a roll today! Oh, and I was late to show up to Ada’s this moning. I couldn’t get my ass moving along to get out of the door, and I was being indecisive about my clothes. And then I had to make a quick stop at a grocery store…

But heres some good news, I made it to Adas house this time without getting lost in her neighbor hood.

Here are the candy cane things…

And the langues de chat cookies…

The way these look…odd.

 

Gingerbread house

…Not going to quit my day job!

 

 

 

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