sunglasses at night.

I think used up one of Francois’ lives just a minute ago. I went to let out White Cat through the sliding glass door and as I began to pull it shut, Francois ran up and tried to shove his head out…thus me narrowly crushing his skull.

I did not crush his skull though. I did however yell "Damnit cat!!!" (like it was all his fault) Afterwards he just gave me a look like what the fuck was that for?" Then shook his head and went about his business…and by back to his business I mean back to his scratching post to scrath out the incident.

 He is okay!! God, If I would have crushed y cats skull..well, I would have called upon the Crack Fox to do me in, to bludgeon me to death, to hurt me real bad when we got inside!!!

What a woderful way to start an entry huh?

Anyway..I didn’t really have a great day. Last night I dreamt about being sick…this morning I woke up feeling sick. Something must have been sitting on my head last night…maybe an elephant.

I had yet again another really bad body image day.

I have been trying this new thing…this new scale step thing. So far I have only done it yesterday and today. I tried not to step on the scale first thing in the morning, I tried to put it off for ten minutes. It sounds really lame, like not even a step at all, because I am still stepping on the scale….but it is indeed a step for me. It was suggestion made by Kati Morton. If you havn’t heard of her, she makes really great (but at times a bit cheesey) recovery based eating disorder videos. You can watch them on you tube or her website (katimorton.com) Her website is also recovery based…no pro ana/mia material at all…not compatition, no ed body pictures…Its a very supportive community actually. You can submit journals, poetry, art….that sort of thing. Anyway…back to the scale thing. I held off stepping on it for just ten minutes this morning to see if I could do it. It was quite hard really. It made me feel anxious, and all I could think about for those ten minutes was the scale and numbers and food. I even set it out so the scale would be right there and ready to go at the ten minute mark. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of time, beacause one, it was first thing in the morning, and two, I just went ahead and compleated my usual morning routine I do after the scale…which is pee, brush teeth, makeup, wash body in shower (Im weird and do things out of order…I usually wash my hair after I drop the kids off at school.) So I’m not sure if all that made up ten minutes, but either way,  I stepped on the scale after washing my body….not right after peeing. (sorry for the tmi)

Its a tiny step…or a big step..depending on how you look at it…haha, get it. No..okay…lame.

But…I did it. I said I would try the ten minute thin, and I did. I didn’t like it, but I did it. Milestone in recovery??? Eh…I suppose it could be.

Of course I hated the number on the scale this morning, but thats a given.

I spent another good while in the mirror again, hating my image more and more. Its such a waste of time, yet I can’t seem to stop.

I changed outfits three times today. once in the morning, Then again before I went out to get coffee because If I stayed home I would have spent it in the mirror. Then I changed again after work and before I went out to buy a new pair of sunglasses. Was I ever satisfied with what I was wearing? No. why would I be?

My favorite and only pair of sunglasses broke on Wednesday. I was not impressed. I couldn’t fix them becuae some little metal loopy part broke in half. The piece was tiny and it broke on the street I was walking along. I tried t superglue them back together without the piece, but it failed. I went around for the last few days wearing my sunglasses with only one side piece intact. It looked really fancy. My mom gave me an extra pair she had, but they made me look like a NASCAR driver…no offense…(its just that I don’t race cars, but if you do race cars, then please do wear them)..so I refused to wear them despite their two side pieces.

I bought a new pair of sunglasses tonight. I do not wear my sunglasses at night…now I’m singing that….My dad loves that damn song, he would play it over and over for my sisters and I when we were younger. I can see me now…back in the day, wearing his aviator style sunglasses bobbing my head while listining to that song…"I wear my sunglasses at night…" Its unfortionate.

The other day whle with the kids, they stared talking about what they do and other kids do when they feel frustrated. Warren was saying how some kids say bad words, then Evelyn chimes in with saying "sometimes while playing magic club and I don’tdo so good, I just say DAMNIT!" ….she is seven. (magid club is a game played in gym class) I really had to try and hold myself together. I wanted to laugh out loud really bad, because this is not something I would ever expect from her. I didn’t want to egg her on and have her say it more. She herself admits she dosen’t do so well in gym class. Who knows what else she could potentially often say.

She said it so casually too. Haha! Warren then reminded her it was a ‘bad’ word, she just said "oh" Im glad he took the reins becaus It would have been useless If  I tried to say something.

I think it was one of those you had to be there moments.

I still feel like shit. I need to go to bed.

I started reading A long Trip To Teatime by Anthony Bugress. For a long while I didn’t know he even wrote a chapter book for children. (I don’t know if there is more than one) So far I like it a lot! There seems to be some made up words in the story, which I like because its like Nadsat for kids.