spacey! w/edit..it was from Go Ask Alice not Tweak

I woke up this morning at 6:30 with such a horrible feeling in my stomach. My head was puonding.

Yarnie wasn’t lying when he said "see ya in a few" Infact he entered my brain with a bang…a pounding, raging, laughing bang.

I sat in the edge of the bathtub for quite a while with my eyes clenched shut. Everthing hurt.

I wanted to be up early so I could get things done. My body just wasn’t having it. I layed back down and fell into a semi conscious sleep. I didn’t get out of bed until around 10:30. Even then I didn’t want to move. I forced myself up, got in the shower and left the house. Still not feeling 100% better.

I spent a lot of the day staring off into space. Space was empty too. Nothing for me to see there. Which I suppose was the point. Staring off into Earth isn’t really working for me right now.

I remember reading a quote from the book Tweak by Nic Sheff. I don’t remember his exact words but they went along the lines of this,  "at this point in my life, nothingness is better than somethingness"  I know what he means. Right now, somethingness just seems like too much, all my somethingness seems to be negative. Therefor the nothingness has become the positive in my situation….came to edit this part…the quote is from Go Ask Alice, Not Tweak, although Nic Sheff did have a lot of great things to say!

I was almost late for work today. My ability to manage time seems to be slipping away. I hate being late, it stresses me out. I hate to rush. I like to take my time. I like to dilly dally….thats such a weird saying…dilly dally. haha.

For the last couple of nights my legs have been twitching like mad. Im not sure what it is. Its driving me crazy. It is making it hard to relax. And its just my legs. Nothing else is twitching. Its like night induced twitching…I don’t twitch during the day. Its weird. It feels like when the doctor would bang that hammer thing on your knee to test your reflexes, except there is no hammer and its not just on my knee. What the hell?????

I also seem to bee getting the hiccups everytime I wake up in the morning. Which is also extremely annoying.

Im a hoppin’ and a boucin’ all over the place. I feel like a mexican jumping bean.

I have to babysit all day tomorrow. Well 8am to 6pm. Im complaining again! Babysitting these kids makes the day seem so long. I really hope I don’t wake up feeling like I did this morning…can’t imagine feeling like that and having to babysit all day long. (okay..so moms do it all the time, so I should just shut my mouth. its not that bad)  But Im not feeling all that well right now so Im a bit worried. I can’t (won’t) call and cancel, it would be to short of a notice, and I would feel to bad about it.

I feel like my insides are a mess. I feel like if I were able to look at my insides, It would look like a Dali world. Melting organs and a dripping heart. Im sure the anxiety would even be visible. A cloud of green swirling fog! An anxiety storm cloud ready to pour rain drops all over, flooding my whole body! Weighing me down so I couldn’t move!

Anxiety just feels heavy. Its a feeling that has a feeling. Anxiety isn’t in a physical a form but it sure feels like it.

Back to babysitting for a minute, I will also babysit Saturday (my usual) and then I will babysit Sunday-Thursday morning. And that will be for Noah, I think I have mentioned him before. He will be staying with me the whole week. I love Noah, I have known him since he was in 2nd grade and he will be in eighth grade this fall. But I can’t say I am to happy about having him for all that time. It interfears with my e.d time. Thats such a horrible thing to say, infact I should look at it as a positive. But my minds dosen’t work that way. I guess I will just have to see how things pan out! 

…And…the only thing Noah ever wants to eat is chicken nuggets. ( whats with kids and chicken nuggets haha)Its rather irrataing, having to cook them all the time. I have tried tons of times to get him to eat something else, but everytime I do, it goes untouched!  It drives me crazy!! ….And ( more complaing) he talks so much at night. Im not sure whats the deal with that one. I like to hear what he has to say but I never can comprihend what he is talking about.  Its usually aout something like Manga or cartoons, or judo…or just something I don’t know about!

…Im out of things to write. Lost Interest!!!