shred the cat

Going back to Monday…

Counselor has been trying to get me to find something on my body that I can accept. Not even like, but just accept. I got as far as accepting the color my toe nails were painted, which really isn’t a body part. That was a few sessions ago. On Monday she asked if there was anything else I could accept. I basically came up short. I still strugle with this question. I tried to pull a fast one on her by saying I accepted the shoes on my feet. To bad she caught on and said that that didn’t really count. I then said I can accept, and even like the fact that I have two feet in which I could wear two differen’t shoes if I wanted, like I was wearing on Monday. I don’t really think she bought that answer. Well I don’t buy her question. It depresses me when she asks that question. I can’t give her a real answer. I don’t feel as if there even is a real answer. I find flaws on every part of my body, from my feet to the top of my head. Its hard to accept things you really don’t like. I know its not all about appearance, and I know what matters most is whats on the inside of a person. I get all of that, but it dosent make things any easier.

Small steps, or bunny hops, and then a few steps back. Repeat. Like the childrens game "Mother May I?" "Mother may I take three bunny hops forward?" "Yes you may!" "Mother may I take two regular steps forward?" "No you may not, but you may take two steps backward!"

..Gee thanks mother…..may I kick you on the shin then?..

..Uuuggghhhh!! Never ending fustration!

As far as today goes…

As soon as I woke up this morning, I was wishing I never had to wake up. I answered to Yarn monster. First things first. I didn’t feel like going into work today, I wanted to crawl in a corner and stay there for a while. To bad that wasn’t an option. I had to finish up all the last little details of camp clean up. Last week Ada and I thought clean up would have been done by that Friday. We were wrong, distractions got the best of both of us. Then we thought that clean up would be done by Monday, again, distractions got the best of both of us. After all of that, we finally made it, and completed the task today. We kissed our brains!!! And in my head I said "so long, later alligator, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya" locked the doors, and headed home. I thought I was going to feel a little more sad about leaving the place I called work for six years (I think) but I really wasn’t all that sad. I know I will miss it there, but I think I was just burnt out from the place. Or maybe it just didn’t seem as if I wasn’t coming back for the new school year.

I need to work on writing entries all at once. Again, the above was from last night.

I slept in today. It was nice. Thats about the only thing that was nice. Another slap in the face! I just should have stayed in bed.

Thats about all I have as far as today goes.