open roads

Im fine

Im fine….

I will be fine.

I don’t really know if I’m fine right now!

Woke up with a rough start. Just setting the days tone I suppose! I didn’t feel much like starting the day, but I did anyway. If I were to stay in bed im sure I would have had shitty dreams, so awake or asleep, it didn’t matter much.

I had therapy this morning. At 11am. It had been three weeks since my last session. It was my first appointment with the new couselor. I didn’t have enough money to pay for therapy today. That was awesome! I had to call my mom and ask to borrow some money. That was awesome. Things between my mother and me have been….uh…nonexistant. She was the last person I wanted to call, but my best option. I didn’t want to turn around and go home when I was already just a few minutes away from the office. Of course she had to make me feel like shit. Because the whole process of going to therapy and meeting a whole new counselor just Isn’t enough. Want to know how my mom handled the situation? ..No?…To bad, Im going to tell you anyway, She simply stuck her hand with the money out of the half rolled up window, then drove away. Great start! I was just pumped and ready to roll.

The new counselor was….she just was! It was a bit boring honestly, having to start over, and answer the same questions. I understand that that was a necessary. I knew that coming in, but It didn’t stop it from being boring. She was perfectly nice, and had a pretty smile, but I had gotten used to the other counselor, so it just seemed off. Im sure things will be better, I hope things will be better. I will stick it out and see! Theres not much to lose in this situation.

I was rather tense for most of the day. I kept thinking about how things with my mom have been for the past few nights. I know I can’t make her happy, but I still always try. It drives me mad! Im not one to get so tense but today was differen’t. My arms are all red and sore because I spent most of the day digging my nails into them. Over and over. If I wasn’t doing that then my fists were clenched tight, or I was biting down hard on my knuckles and fingers. It has been all day, and Im stil doing it. I hate that I let this sort of thing get to me. Its not my job to make my mom happy, I have been trying for twenty odd years and clearly it’s not working. I also understand that Im being selfish, thinking Im the one who is making her miserable, when really it is her. She just isn’t happy. And somehow I became guilty. She has put a lot of guilt upon me, or so I feel, and Im not handling it well. I feel as if I have a huge guilt dirt pile ontop of me. Its growing bigger and bigger, and one of these days it just might smush me! I will be as flat as a shadow!

I was suppose to have group tonight, and I was actually looking forward to it. Another day was added to the meeting. It has only been on Saturday afternoons, 12:30-1:30. Wednesday evenings were added from 7:00pm -8:00pm. Alot of the group had a hard time getting to Saturday meeting. The Wednesday meetings are in a differen’t location. In a church. I think the change of location and finding the actual location played a big role as to why only I and one other person showed. And thats because the other person (who is amazing!!! ) and I, went together! We waited a bit, then left together after we realized were the sole supporters of our support group! I suppose we could have stayed and had a mini meeting, but seeing as we already support each other, it wasn’t necessary.

We went and got coffee, which I’d say was the best part of my tense and stressful day! The tense and stress subsided for a bit. Im really thankful for that. I couldn’t ask for better support! I guess you can say then that I did have a group meeting today (in a sense!) 

Im so very hungry but have no deire to eat. If I were to even start eating something, I don’t think I could stop.

Not eating anything Isn’t going to solve a damn thing,  and eating something won’t solve a damn thing.

Damn!

But not eating seems like the better route for me.

Just saying.

…Of course thats not the right route to take, but I chose that route today. Tomorrow is a new day, I don’t know which route I will be taking, and I can’t really choose now! Its one of those things that counts on the moments. No planning. Planning never really works.