odds into evens in my mind. a middle.
I waited two and a half hours last night to see the doctor. I don’t wait well. I cant just wait. By the time I saw him, he pointed out that I seemed rather anxious and fidgity. Well Dr. Rob Schneider…Really? Why the hell do you think that is? He thought he was going to get away with seeing me in three months after this visit. Nope. I didn’t get away with the three months. Not yet.
Anxiety…I have some of that right now. A wedding tomorrow. A nightmare. A fake a happy jolly good smile time. A silent panic time…. a what kind of food will be served panic. Will I be served a plate full of meat and poison. Its a how the hell do I act normal during this time panic. Boredom. Lots of boredom. Weddings are too damn long. Watching others…the "norma"l others…the genuine having a good time others. How?. How can they do that? I don’t get it. How is it so easy? A lot of drinking that I don’t want to partake in. Not because I don’t like it. Because it never ends well if I drink. Its triggering, it fucks with me, it handles me. I am better off not drinking. Sure. I want to be in control. I can’t be in control. But I want to be in control. I’m not in control. Its a joke. All the people. Its so overwhelming. There is a lot going on. I already have a lot going on in my head. Hello overload. A battle. A never ending battle. Its one thing to another thing, and the things keep coming.
My brain is never quiet. That…all of that…its just one thing. Well a lot of little things that make up one whole thing. There is a lot of whole things in my brain, and all of the whole things are made up of little things. So many words. Words words words…numbers, words, sounds, sights…all just thoughts. Its all thoughts. But thats the thing, if thoughts are just that…thoughts…then how do I silence the thoughts. Thoughts don’t have sound. Audible sound at least. Loud silent thoughts that keep going. Going going going…
Im not sure where Im going with all of this. I know I had something to write about, but whatever it was has been lost within all of that. That and more.
I havn’t felt well for the last few days. Headache, stomach, blah blah blah aches.
My mood has been going down.
Down down down. Pick me up. I’m falling. Now I have that song in my head.
40. 12. 6. 18. 18. I don’t like even numbers. But I can turn them into odd numbers and ease my mind a little. Odd numbers become even numbers in my mind, a middle(thats 1) and two even sides. 3 is the best. I don’t know why, or my reasons mean nothing. Or they make no sense. 3 is 1 1 1. I like that. a 7…. 111 1 111…see where Im going? But an even…like 6…no middle, just 111 111
I am a middle child. My birthdate is all odd numbers, there for a middle in each number. There are 3 sets of nubers in a birthdate.
I have been called odd. And thers a middle in an odd.
My low weight…an odd number…
…I’m stopping there. Thats enough. No one needs or wants to hear more.
My mom has been asking me if I have been feeling any better. I say yeah, I think so. Why the hell do I keep on lying? Why do I keep perpetuating the problem?
Its easier than talking about it I suppose. I hate to appear like I have a problem. I don’t want to admit that I have a problem. Its hard to accept it. Every one knows I have a problem, but I like to fool myself and think that they don’t know anyting. They are not allowed to know how weak I am. Everything is okay, I can handle it, nothing is wrong. Thats what I would like them to think.
Im functioning at least. Thats a good thing.
I might try to watch a movie. Every time I say that, I don’t. I plan on it, but then I don’t.
I don’t think I feel like reading.