jelmet sneaker

Do you ever have strange nonsense words pop into your head when you wake up in the morning? This happens to me often! This morning, after my alarm screamed at me, I though ‘Jelmet Sneaker!’ I’m not really sure wha the hell that means, or what it is, but my best guess would be that it meant SHUT THE FUCK UP!, or something like that, because I was pissed that I had to wake up. Jelmet sneaker has been stuck in my mind all day now, the words are stuck on repeat. Its really starting to annoy me. Hopefully new words will pop into my mind tomorrow morning.

My laptop has been acting like a complete asshole. I have no idea how to fix it, If I try, I will only make it worse.

I have been having sort of an off day. Well more off I should say. Is there such thing as an on day? Anyway, It took me forever to get my ass out of the door this afternoon. I was so hung up on body image. I am hung upon body image every day, but some days are worse than others. Today was one of the worse days. I hate it. I feel so selfish and pathetic. I let it hold me up, and bring me down. I get so caught up in the fact that I hate the way I look, that its even more hard to focus on anything except that. It makes me want to scream and cry, yet I don’t because I hate the way I look when I scream and cry. It makes me want to damge my body, and when I do so, I get even more worked up because I just look that much more worse. I have been scrathing at my skin on my arms, and now my arms look disgusting. Its another excuse to hide behind long clothes. I hate that I have to live with my body everyday. I am jelous of hermit crabs because they can leave their old shell for a new one. How ridiculous is that? To be jelous of a crab. What I hate the most is all the time I spend thinking about myself. If things arn’t clear enough….I HATE IT!!!!! It scares me to think that this is something I will always think about. I hear it over and over…accpetance, accepting things for the way they are, and they way they will continue to be. I am afraid I will never learn to accept my appearance. I just can’t see it happening. NOW THATS SCARRY!! I know that appearance is really just a shell, that its temporary, that its whats on the inside of a person that truely counts…but its hard to remember that when I am so fixated on my appearance. And then I think about the inside of my shell, its so full of selfishness. (rant over I think…)

Its easy for me to see the beauty in everybody else…

Last Friday Francois got neutered. Poor kitty! Everything went fine though, which I’m thankful for. However, while at the vet, I guess they noticed that he had bad teeth. ( he is only 6 months old ) I feel so awful because I didn’t know. It makes me feel like a really bad pet mama. I do my best to keep the critters healthy and happy. On Francois’ discharge papers it said in all capital letters "NEEDS DENTAL WORK, IN SEVERE PAIN!" Which at first made me feel like a total ass! It made me feel like a terrible person, and it made me sad because iit said the cat was in a lot of pain already. The thing is, how do you tell when a cat is in severe pain like that. From what I could see, he has shown no signs of any pain at all, except after the surgery Friday evening, and it was pain from being neutered, which I could observe. The vet said to give him wet food untill his teeth could be fixed, which made me feel confused because I know wet food can be worse for their teeth in the long run ( I get the easier to chew part) but Francois gets fed dry food, which he has seemed to eat without any trouble. Then again, he is a cat, and how the hell do I know how his teeth really feel. I just feel bad about the whole thing. Most of all, if he is in that sort of pain, I don’t want him to have to suffer through it, that would make me worse of a pet mama. I want to take him to another vet to see what they have to say and all…..and then there is the costs of that…ugghhh…but I will do what I have to do for him. The good news is that his discharge papers form Friday did say that his heart was normal and healthy and that he was very alert and a few other words that were good but I can’t remember.  

My little sister just turned 21 the other day. She was pretty thrilled about it, but I still find it hard to beleive. My older sister and her husband took her out to The Melting Pot. I opted not to go. Scary restaurants with unsafe menus…still not a good idea for me…Just….no…If I went, I would have been the one melting…ha, a meltdown inside of The Melting Pot…a sight to be seen. I would rather stay on the outside of the fondue pot thank you very much. And who wants a skewer shoved up their ass anyway??

I think this is a good place to end things. haha.