its the circle

Appearently I had started to write an entry a few days ago. I forgot about it (noooo waaaay.) I looked at what I had half wrote and determined it was really stupid. Well…I guess thats how many of my entries are, but this was just more stupid. Anyway..

I don’t have a whole lot going on….thats in the physical earth life kind of way….which pretty much just means I have no life.

There is always a whole lot going on inside of my invisable brain world…which pretty much just means that Im damn selfish, and havn’t much room for anything else in life because all I think about is me me me. Its a party of one. And its a very lame party, be glad you are not invited.

Well if you wanted to, you could come to the party, but I am giving you a fair warning.

It was very rainy today. I got to wear my red rain boots, there for it wasn’t awful. Its only okay if I get to wear my red rain boots. Otherwise, rain is an asshole.

I really really want one of those yellow duck umbrellas, you know, the ones with the orange duck bill attached to it? I have wanted one ever since I was litte. My want for the duck umbrella resurfaced today because I sa a little kid holding one. I was ready to swipe it out of the kids hands and make a mad dash for home.

Dear Santa,

This year for christmas I would like a ducky umbrella. Tell your elves to make it super cool. I have been a very good girl! Thanks Santa, I love you.

Clearly I have nothing going on. I am staring at the computer screen. If the only thing I have to talk about is duck umbrellas, perhaps I should come back tomorrow to make another attempt at a meanigful entry

…Im going to do that. When I come back, it will be the future. And then I will take a time machine to visit the recent past to finish….and then It will be the present. But not a gift present….or maybe it will be…or not….its really all just a mystery. But not a cool mystery like the magical mystery tour. I like that mystery. As long as Im not no eggman…eggwoman I mean. I hate eggs. Im glad all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again. He is just fine lying there on the ground all craked up. I never needed him anyway…infact, that incident really craked me up…

…Twisty mind everybody…twisty turny mind…

Where was I..not on Earth appearently..

It wasn’t rainy today.

I was nearly late picking up Evelyn and Warren from school today. A batch of spotty mushrooms caught my eye and I had to check them out. I don’t think I’ve ever seen these kinds of mushroomns until today. They made me think of toads, gnomes, fairies, and spores.

I want to go back to something I started to write about the other day…when I was writing about the raods, and then I suddenly switched over to writing about Flamingos…

The road part. I was writing about the road because it was originally suppose to lead into the thing I really wanted to write about. I’m mentioning it now because the feeling still lingers.

I suddenly had the feeling of wanting to be high. Not the chill laid back relaxed sort of high, but the high I used to love so much. The high that made me forget who I was. The high that took me off of planet Earth and into a whole new empty nothingness. The high that made other people melt before my eyes. The high that lasted for days. It just hit me while I was driving. I wanted it bad, and it would have been too easy to achieve it.

Its been a pretty long time since I have used anything to get that sort of high. But its only because I have replaced one type of self medication for another.

Looking back, I have been self medicating for so long. I really can’t remember what it feels like to just truely feel, or accept true feelings. I can say I feel this way or that way, but in the end, I have used whatever I knew worked for me (at that time) to numb everything. Even the good…I suppose I have always felt that I don’t even deserve the good.

I like how it feels not to feel. Its all I know. Thats whats comfortable. I never learned to feel or express my emotions. I wasn’t really allowed to.

In therapy, counselor mentioned that she has never seen me express true emotions. I have yet to cry infront of her, I have never epressed anger. I play the "everything is okay" game each session, and I know I am making it hard for her to help me. (although I do believe she has helped me)

All of this scares me a little. If I am wanting to have that old high back, then does it mean that the ED is no longer good enough to aheive the emptyness I want so bad. What will be next? And how can I find my way out of this if I can’t seem to allow anybody to help me.

Its a never ending cycle. Around and around in an empty circle. How the hell do I stop it?….when will I figure out how to stop it?…and do I even want to stop it?

Some circle of life huh? Its sad that a lot of people are stuck in this circle. Its not the circle of life that the song was talking about, thats for damn sure.