I smell peaches!

A liquid diet. I have nothing inside my stomach but liquids! The last time I kept food inside of me was Tuesday evening…I think. I ate Wednesday morning, and purged it all. I ate twice on Thursday, Purged everything both times. I had no food on Friday. And so far today, no food. I don’t plan on putting any food inside my stomach tonight either. Just liquids. Coffe and diet soda. Its catching up to me, but it hasn’t made me want to eat. I feel tired and weak. For good reason. But from past experiances, I think I can go longer. I have gone longer. Not that it means it will work this time.

(The lack of desire to eat has a lot to do with the stress I have been experiancing! Or perhaps thats just one of several things!…I think!) 

I don’t want to ruin anything. Thats how my mind works. Im on a roll, (or Yarnie is on a roll) why ruin it? If I start to eat something, Im afraid I will never stop. If I eat something, Im sure I will purge it. I don’t want any food inside of me right now. I like losing weight too much! 

I feel dizzy, and that means Im on the right track. No, it means Yarnie has taken over my track. He trampled over me on the race track and is running for me! Im letting him. I figured I should just lay here for a bit on the ground! Watch Yarnie do circles around me! Speedy bastard! I will have to get back up at some point. Force myself up, drag myself up, crawl until I can stand up . I just don’t have much in me at the moment! Perhaps one day I will surpass Yarnie and lap his ass! Perhaps I can leave him in the dust.

Im rather annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen. I finally have something to care about, I finally have somebody that cares about me and truely understands me. Yet I am letting Yarnie control me. I am hurting myself and others! Yet I continue! 

Group was some what boring today. I guess I didn’t feel like conrtibuting. I listened to others talk mostly. But honestly I tuned them out for the most part, not because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say, or because I didn’t care, I just couldn’t concentrate. I fiddled with things, spun in my chair,  I curled up in my big comfy shirt. Finally somebody spoke to me, I guess noticing my lack of presence. I said sorry, I was listining. (not really) I didn’t have much to say today.  They asked about my journeling. I tried to come up with something to say, which went along the lines of me saying that I felt selfish constantly journeling about myself and the E.D. They responded by telling me that I wasn’t selfish. Maybe they are right. I don’t know. And then that was it, group time was over.

Downtown was super busy today. An art festival, which is great, but I only got to quickly browse before I had to leave to babysit. I really really really didn’t want to babysit today. Too bad for me huh? Babysitting is shit when you have zero energy. Its also unfair to the kids! The boys and I eneded up at the book store (the usual). Josh ended up falling of a stool and bumping his lip on a table. He cried but thankfully it wasn’t bad. It bled a little for a quick second and then he was fine. I think it scared him more than anything. He is a tough four year old. After that we left. The boys wanted to go home, well actually they wanted to get ice cream, but I made up some excuse as to why we couldn’t. I just didn’t feel like dealing with that. We came home, I made the boys my  usual dinner, Saturday Noodles. And now I am bored. There is no game on tonight. Lame! 

(Saturday Noodles are elbow noodles with butter, clearly I hate cooking)

Who knows how much longer I will be here babysitting. Laura and Paul are at a wedding. I dont know how long that usually lasts! How long do most weddings and receptions last? I hope not to long. I want to go to bed! Its only 9pm and I want to go to bed. Im so bored!!!!!! Im running out of things to do. I did the whole computer thing. Nothing is ever on tv. I don’t even like watching tv for long. I forgot my book at home. I don’t want to eat. My head hurts and doing anything else seems like to much work! Im lazy! Maybe I will take a nap on the couch until Laura and Paul get home. But then I will have to drive home and that sucks…but what can I do?

My arm is still sore, as I continue to claw my skin. I just keep doing it now, I don’t know why!!!

I stopped at CVS today to buy more vitamins, but walked out with a cute headband instead. My priorities are out of line huh? Plus the headband was cheaper and at least my head will look cool! (sometimes)

Im bored! I mentioned that already….. but Im bored!

I want to sleep.

I can brush my teeth with my travel tooth brush…that waill take all of two minutes…two minutes off the boredom….no, brushing teeth is just as boring! uuummmmm……

Im bored!

On the positive side of things I can say I havn’t purged in two days!I But at what price really. Restricting! So its still destructive behavior. And its only been almost two days seeing that the night isn’t over. I have no plans on eating though…so yeah, Im going to say two days. thats a total of seven purge free days! 

This entry is going nowhere! 

Its headed in the same direction as I!