grazy

I didn’t sleep well last night.

I got up early this morning.

It was so gray today. All day.

I had a frustrating day. I have plenty complaints, but in the end what does it matter?

I had trouble on the food front, with plenty of "good" excuses to go along with the troubles.

Just in case anybody asked. Nobody ever asks, except myself. To myself. I make excuses for myself, that I know are no excuses.

Here is one from today. Electricity has been lost here at home today. I don’t feel like looking for the electricity. I need electricity to eat food. I can only have something thats been cooked, because the only food here at home that does not have to be cooked, is chips. I don’t eat chips. I could go get some food from a store, but I may have to pick the kids up from school early today. The school hasn’t found electricity either. I need to be on call in case school lets out early. I can’t be at a store.

Another (for myself only) I need water in order to eat food today. Because I will most likely want to purge…need to purge. I won’t do it with out running water. Vomit needs to disappear down a drain.

Another…I am way to fucking fat.

Another…Its been a chaotic day, I had no time to eat. I have been all over the place.

Another…I’m too poor.

Another…and this was a real one I said to myself, as lame as it is….I feel like this collared green dropped on the floor (it didn’t. not even close) I can’t eat it anymore, because of the thought. Now all the collared greens I have are rubbish.

There was more.

I’m complaining.

I feel as if the air is toxic. I feel like I can smell it. I can’t describe the smell, because I know its not real. Its not a certain smell that comes from something actually toxic. No, I take that back. My brain seems to be toxic. I am smelling my own brain. But I know that I am not.

Today felt heavy.

I felt tired. I am tired. Very fucking tired, but feeling tired means nothing, because nothing comes of it.

I don’t want to feel heavy anymore! I want to float.

I liked the flighty feeling of being high. No, I loved it. I havn’t used any substance in a while now. I don’t want to, but I really want to. It was easy. Feeling heavy is hard. Its slow. Days last longer. But heavy days seem to hold more. Of everything. But I think that is something I need to learn to deal with, the good, the bad, the ugly. I need to feel it. I will get nowhere when I’m floating. Its just like hovering above the surface to avoid whats there. The surface, everything thats ontop of the surface. It will stay there forever if I just hover above. We are not meant to hover. We are meant to travel forward. As hard as it may be at time.

I don’t know.