Eye don’t know

I think there is something wrong with my eye. It’s driving me insane. There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong, it just feels that way. Maybe it’s all in my head.

Its been a while. I have came here a few times and started to write only to erase it all because its all a bunch of bullshit. I don’t have a damn thing to write about because half of the time I don’t know how I feel. I stare at the screen.

I will be moving soon. It’s stressing me out a bit. I have so much shit. Theres not enough room to take it all with me. I can do with out most of it, it’s just a matter of figuring out what to do with it. I’ve thrown away a lot, but then theres the stuff that I want to keep, but can’t take. Books, a lot of books.I took some to the used book store the other day to sell them. I didn’t get a lot of money, nor was I expecting to,, I just wanted a place for them rather than the trash. I felt bad afterwards though, because I love books and even if I didn’t really need them, I still didn’t want to part with them. If that makes any sense at all. I took some clothes to one of those drop off bin things, but I didn’t feel bad about the clothes. I still have so much to sort through. I will most likely end up tossing most of it. Goodwill..donate…whatever.. I recycled all of my old AP Magazines the other day, I saved so much of those. They pretty much defined my teenage years. It was a bitter sweet moment. haha. I also came across a lot of old concert tickets and autographed concert things from my teenage years. I found it sad that I could hardley remember most of those moments/shows..it’s not as if it was that long ago. I used to go to tons of concerts. Saw loads of bands..good ass bands and I can’t remember on account of being high or drunk, or something of the like. I’m sure I was having an amazing time then, but damn, I wish I would have saved a few actaul memories from those times, and not just autographed tickets and posters.I’ve learned my lesson at least…concerts and sobriety. I don’t need anything to enjoy a concert…the live music is far better than substance. Speaking of concerts…I have one coming up. Don’t make fun(or go right ahead, I don’t care)…Hanson. Hell yeah. Loved them when I was young. Still do. Always will. I see them everytime they come around my area. Not ashamed. They still sing mmmbop at each show. Its killer.

My fucking eye. It feels like there is something in it. Like an eyelash or something even smaller, but there is nothing there. I have looked multiple times, rubbed at it, poked at it..stared in the magnifying mirror several times…nothing is there. But something is there. I can feel it. I don’t think its something that seems like it needs to be checked out…it’sjust so fucking annoying. I don’t have health insurance anyway..I can’t afford to have it checked out. Theres no point.The feeling goes away if I close my eye. But that doesn’t do me any good when I’m trying to actaully see well enough to type.  

Therapy will be ending this Friday. I don’t know how I feel about that. My thereapist that I see is an intern, and her time is up. This Friday is my last session with her. Its sad because I really liked her. Shes a good listener and she has been patient with me. She challenges me, and I have made some progress with her. I was told that new interns will be at the office over the summer but they are all already booked up. It kind of makes me feel like I’m being shoved off to the side, like whatever it is I’m trying to deal with doesn’t really matter. I get it, they are booked up…thats alll there is to it, but still. Like I said, no health insurance, I was seeing the intern on sliding scale, I can’t afford to see a regular therapist. I won’t have anything over the summer…I will just have to try and deal with things myself. Clearly from my past experiances, that hasn’t gone over to well for me. But the only thing I can do is to just…do what I can do. Hopefully work will keep me busy. But thats a bit of a lie isn’t it. Work can’t keep my mind distracted from whats swirling around up there, it just swirls around right along with whatever is happeining at work. I’m a multi-tasker.

And whats swirling around in my mind anyway. I mentioned it above. I don’t really know. Or its that I can’t seem to figure it out in words.Or words that make sense. 

I say I feel fine. I think I feel fine sometimes. But thats just it. Fine. What the hell is fine anyway. I feel like it’s nothing. I feel "fine" then I feel pretty okay. I’ve been talking to myself a lot. Like I’m all I have. Which isn’t true, but I don’t want to have anybody else. Everybody else takes to much energy and I don’t have that energy to give.I don’t want to be with me either.  I feel like I can’t get anything done. I don’t know what to do. I feel happy at times, singing along to music, but I also feel like complete shit at the same time. All I think about is me. How much I hate myself, and how much I hate myself because I’m so selfish for thinking about myself all the time…

I can’t fucking deal with my eye right now. 

Apparently I did okay dealing with my bloody fucking eye today, but now its bothering me again. Im thinking its a non conformist eyelash or something, and it comes out at night to terrorize me, yet I just can’t see it. But Damnit…

See, my entry has tunred into an eyeball rant. It’s because it’s all I have. Going on two nights of eyeball ranting. Nice.

Where did I leave off anyway? Talking to myself. Yup. This is making me sound rather looney. It’s not as if I have been talkng to myslef out loud..out loud-ish. It’s more like a living inside my head type of thing. Hell. I can’t explain it. Dosen’t matter anyway. I just want a break from me.

I want the faux control back. The faux power. Complete restriction. I want that back. I miss it, and thats sick, but its true. I want to be able to do it again. I know I can do it. I’ve done it enough times before. Right now I’m very much stuck in the binge/purge cycle, and its disgusting. I can’t seem to stop, and the faux control I love so much is gone. Its such an awful feeling. I feel so gross. It doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue to other people, mainly my doctor and therapist. (and then there are plenty who don’t know, or just ignore it) Or thats the way I see things anyway.  Or maybe it’s Yarnie who is latching onto that as an excuse to contine. No, I am choosing to continue. I don’t know why the hell I’m complaing about therapy ending. Therapy has helped me in a lot of ways, but as far as ED behaviours…they havn’t gone anywhere, things have just flipped.

I don’t want an eating disorder in my life, but I don’t want it out of my life either. Its fan-fucking-tastic. Energy sucking bullshit. Comforting cozy asshole. Orderly chaos. Love hate…makes so much sense/nonsense…CONFUSING.

What??