could it be?? really real?

I think I should take a minute to apologize for this fabulous quote I wrote in my last entry….

"Well to me, thats what Placebo live at Angkor Wat is to me"

Good one! Way to go me!!!

To be honest, I’m sure it stemmed from the fact that it was late when I wrote it, and was starting to feel the effets of whatever pills I shoved down my throat to help fall asleep. Or not, maybe not. I shouldn’t blame that. It was from stupidity….that probably more honest.

You know what?…No, It was because of Placebo, I was writing about Placebo and I got excited.

(who the fuck cares anyway)

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately. Some seemingly coming from nowhere, and some from one thing or another.

But mostly from the one thing….

Im living at home still. I’m nearly 28 years old and I’m still living with my parents. Its fucking pathetic. It’s not that I want to be here, quite the opposite, but I feel as if I had no other option. Forget the affordability, its not about that. Its because I took it upon myself to keep my mother alive. As if its my job…

I need to go back a few years. After my older sister got married, she and her husband moved out. They had been living here at home. My mom was a mess, and she could hardley handle it. She treated Sarah and Tj like shit for a while. It was rather unfair in my oppinion, but I know it must have been hard to let her first born go. She was depressed, resentful, distant, quiet….it actually made me really angry. I couldn’t stand it. (as unfair as that was on my part…I know) Perhaps she could have used a little support from me and my younger sister, but I wasn’t really willing to give it. She sure as hell wasn’t getting it from my father either.

See, at the time I didn’t even realize it, but my mother is very co-dependent. She has relied on my sisters and me for everything for as long as my father has been drinking. (and as far as I know, thats been my whole life.) We are her supposrt system. She and my father have a non existant relationship, which is funny considering they are still married and live under the same roof.

She would, and still does, complain to us about all the things she hates about my dad. Usually starting off with "your father…" is this, or does that….or whatever. She also likes ot compare my sisters and me to my dad when it comes to our faults…"you’re being just like your father" Gee thanks mom, for comparing us to somebody you can’t stand. I love my dad, and when she says shit like that it really hurts.

She also happens to be a huge enabler when it comes to my dad alcoholism.

Well, much of that is aside the point, but anyway, at that time particular time, after my sister moved out, my mom said to me "If you girls leave me, I will kill myself"

Silence. Silence was my initial reaction. What do you say to that? Its not something you take lightly. Its not something to brush off. I couldn’t just assume it was something she said at a moment of feeling very upset. It was something I took seriously.

So what did I say to that? Nothing! I just took action.

Stay put. Take responsibility. Keep my mother alive.

I couldn’t possibly be the reason for my mothers death. Hell no. If I had moved away from home, only to have my mother kill herself…my fault.

(or so I thought.)

I had to be the one to stay. I couldn’t possibly make my little sister suffer being the one to keep my mother alive. I stay…she goes if she has to. That was my other thought. I knew she had bigger plans for herself. I knew about her plans to eventually move far away for college. I couln’t stand the thought of her being held back from what she deserved to do because of our mothers plan to off herself. No….I stay. She could go. My responsibility. I will keep my mother alive.

I will do what it takes to please other people, thats how I am. I am a people pleaser, and well…my mom happens to be at the top of my list of people to please…after all, she is my mother. She gave me life…

So thats what I have been doing ever since. Live at home…be angry, annoyed, ashamed, resentful!!!!  Be EMBARRASSED AS HELL.  All of which I keep inside, so long as I’m pleasing my mother, so long as she is alive. Thats all that matters, right?

No. Wrong actually. and I am learning that now. Its taken a long ass time. Too long, but better late than never I suppose. I’m learing that I am not responsable for my mother. I am responsable for me. Just me. My mom is an adult. Its her life, she makes her own choices. I can’t lie, her choices/thoughts scare the hell out of me, but I can’t change that.

And I want her alive and well, I want that so so so bad, but I can’t make her well. Thats something she will have be willing to work on.

So, with all the above said, I am trying to ake care of me. (eh…maybe I could be doing a little bit better) And by taking care of me, I am finally taking the steps to move out.

I am not in a healthy enviorment here. I need to be in a place where I can only take care of me…okay, and maybe Francois 🙂

I knew that I had the opportunity to move out for quite a while know. Some friends of mine have been looking to add a new roommate to their apartment. They’ve been wanting to move into a bigger place, but couldn’t really afford it on their own. They applied for the bigger apartment and got approved, and asked if I would like to move in. I had told them about my situation, so I am so thankful for them for wanting to help me. Anyway, I had known this, but had been to nervous to mention it to my mom. My friends are moving in to the new place really soon, about 2 weeks actually, and knowing that stirred up a lot of anxiety in me. My plans were to move in…as soon as I mentioned it to my mom…

…hence the one reason for the anxiety I mentioned at the begining of this entry.  

Well, last night anxiety was really hitting me hard. I had been thinking about it all day, knowing that I would have to mention it to my mom really soon. I just really really really didn’t want to. And I guess I didn’t even have to, I’m an adult, I don’t have to tell her shit. But I figured it would be better that way, telling her instead of not telling her..

So I told her. It was hard. I don’t have a great relationship with my mom as it is, and we rarely talk about anything real. I hate talking with her actually. I don’t really have that mother daugher relationship with her. I’m fine with that for the most part, although it hasn’t stopped me from doing whatever I can do to please her.

It dosen’t matter much about how she responded. what matters most here is that I told her. That bit of anxiety I had been carrying is off my shoulders. What matters is that I now have real plans to move out. What matters is that I am trying to take care of me.

I know I still have a lot to deal with when it comes to all of this, but at least I took a step, right? That matters right?

"Right right." (fucking A Clockwork Orange quote again. I can’t stop)

(or maybe there is a lot of wrong wrong, but whatever)

Well well well, h

ows that for an entry eh? Its like a real entry…real long (sorry to anybody if you actually read this) entry.