conversations with the bad guy in my head.

My stomach has hurt for days now. Im over it.

My head hurts. It always hurts.

Right now it really hurts. My brain. I want my brain to be clean of all the shit thats inside of it.

My sister performed her own version of an intervention on me. When it comes down to it, she basically told me she was on to me. Except I know that she has been on to me. Shes not dumb and neither am I.

What upset me was seeing her so upset. I hate to see her cry. She said that has been feeling so sick lately because she has been worried.

But heres the thing…this shit…this shit that lives up in my head, turns it all around and makes it all about me. Me me me. I don’t want her to be upset because of ME. I don’t want to be the one that is making her feel sick. Its MY fault that she is worried. ME.MY.I.ME ME.

She said that she can’t sit there any longer and pretend everything is okay.

So we talked.

A lot of the words were not my words really. Many of the words belonged to Yarnie. He used me as his voice.

I (monster) said, everything will be okay. I am doing just fine. Im functioning. Don’t worry. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m not really even hurting myself.

If I…the real me, would have been able to take hold of things and speak the honest truth, it would have sounded more like this….

Everything is not okay, infact very little is okay. I am not fine. I am slowly killing myself, although it is not my intention to kill myself. I’m to chicken shit to kill myself. I’m not really functioning. I am here physically, but my mind is elsewhere. My mind is not functioning properly. I cannot get through the day without hurting myself someway or another. Worried? Yeah, theres some room for worry. I worry that I will never be okay. Does that worry you? I would be worried if someone told me that.

Why can’t I speak the truth?

My head monster isn’t very happy. Infact, Yarnie is pissed off.

Here are more of Yarnies words…

"Now what?"

"Time to find other ways to hide, since you are really awful at hiding you stupid bitch"

"Your sisters words don’t really mean that much right now!" "Those words will not stop me!"

"Its all about me remember?" "So she is upset and worried, well to bad for her" "Don’t pay any attention to her words!" "My words are the words you will listin to. Mine mine mine. Me me me."

"I know whats right for you"

"I am you, you have to listin to yourself"

"You can’t get rid of me. I’m here to stay"

"Obey"

"Ha, she thinks she can help me/you?" "Not likely" "she is not welcome in this brain of ours"

"I say ours, but thats only because you have provided me with a place to dwell and grow…Its really my brain now, but without you, I would be out on the streets"

"See, I’m thankful for you, so you should be thankful for me" "I am the one thats always there for you…you know, since I have taken up permanent residence in your mind and all…"

My mind is very full right now. Too full to relax.

I don’t think I will be able to sleep. Its hard to sleep when there is someone jabbering in your ear all night long. Especially when you can’t tell the voice to shut up.

I can say shut up.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

but see…

I still hear the monsters words. He didn’t listin to my words.

Yarnie has selective hearing. And right now, since the monster is so angry, he is not listining to a damn thing I have to say.

The monster laughs. Its all fun and games to Yarnie.

There is a lot of scary shit in this world. But I think the scariest things live in peoples heads. And what makes it even scarier is that there isn’t a way to escape it while living. You can cope with stuff, deal with stuff, learn to function with the shit in your head, but its always there. Either in the forefront of your mind, or lurking in a dark corner somewhere.

Thats scary.

This morning Evelyn asked me out of the blue what I was afraid of. I told her whales. Whales, spiders and snakes. Stuff she could understand.

I couldn’t tell her that I was afraid of myself.

Autophobic. (the fear of being alone or of oneself)

My guess is that there is a lot of autophobics in this world.

My guess is that many don’t even know it!