come out come out whereever you are

Oh how I feel like a complete….complete….ugghhhh…I don’t even know. I hate moments like this. It comes out of the blue. The deep dark blue of an oceans abyss. It brings back the thought of wanting one thing, one thing only. My one thing. My very own thing. The thing that in truth never really helped, but helped in my world. My accomplishment. My acheivement, my comfort. My reality. My everything.

I suppose I still have it, but not in the way I want it. Not in the (faux) right way. not in the way I intended.

I want the low weight back. I want it back so I can surpass that number. I want to prove ( to who?) I can still function with such damage and still be okay. Or about as okay as I can be. So maybe I wasn’t "okay’ then, but Im no better off now, so whats the difference.

I want a low number to numb me. Thats what it was for wasn’t it? Why else is it called a "NUMBer"?

Its all I want. The image is bright, the thought is loud.

Sure, I have great things in my life. But Can’t I still have them at a lower number.

I get the whole idea of how being at that low weight won’t make me feel any better. But being here at this weight isn’t helping much either. In fact it seems to make things worse. I have lost the comfort and the reassurance. And I also get that weight dosen’t eqaul happiness. Right now I’m not even lookig for that. I know it will come with time, there for as of now I just need the okayness. I don’t know how to acheive that in any other way. I want to be okay, but acheiving the okay without the help of my coping mechanism seems far fetched.

I have to work on myself.

I suppose I don’t want to. I have been busy avoiding that aspect.

Why am I so afraid of me? They say that you should face our fears. I don’t know how to face myself.

If your afraid of snakes, its not as if you would go right up to one and confront it, forgive it, then hug it. You would most likely take off in the next direction while screaming. Unfortionately I can’t do that. I am stuck with what Im afraid of.