Chaz says buzz buzzzz

Its a Friday night and I am already in bed.

There was nothing left for me to do. Nothing I wanted to do. No one to do something with. No one I wanted to do something with.

My tongue hurts, my throat hurts, and my thighs hurt.

My head always hurts.

My eyes hurt from the sight of myself, and that makes my head hurt even more.

Just another sudden shift in my mood. Im in the "stare off into space because I really just don’t care about anything right now" kind of mood. I guess thats what you might call boredom. Or who caresdom.

I searched for my Skins Volume 1, disc 1 dvd. I thought I’d just watch a dvd tonight. It sounded like a good idea earlier. I found the dvd but by that time, I had lost interest. Maybe my interest will come back in ten minutes, I don’t know. I don’t have much interest to write an entry right now, but I feel frustrated and thought maybe writing it out could releive some of the frustration. Except I can’t seem to pinpoint any certian thing that is causing the frustration. Myself, thoughts, boredom, noises, physical pain? Im not really sure.

I hate my body.

I want a low number. A really low number.

I should try to distinguish the voices, is it Yarnie’s voice or mine telling me that.

Its Yarnies voice, I know that, but I agree with Yarnie when he says "low number." "Yes" I reply to his coment,"I agree"  I think he is on to something.

I feel so terribly ugly all the time. I can physically feel the huge and ugly. It feels like an ugly huge blanket wrapped around me at all time. I can never remove it. Its always visable. Invisably visable. It would still be there If I were to strip down to my blood, mucle, and bone.

I know that being at that low number will not remove th blanket, but It would be a lighter blanket to carry around. It would maybe loosen up around me a little.

Is the lighter blanket better than the heavy blanket? No! But It sounds better at least.

I know I keep writing about the desire of having the low weight again, but it is always on my mind.