12/28/2012

First, please excuse this moment of randomness that has nothing to do with anything…but good god, Marvin Gaye was so damn sexy!

Well that was weird. I really can’t say where that came from. But look, his bedazzled shirt…he looks good in that bedazzled shirt. I don’t know if thats even possible on anybody else.

Okay. Now…

I got some sleep last night. It took forever to fall asleep, but I did it. I am hoping for the same tonight.

However, despite the rest, I still went through the day feeling really out of it. I couldn’t tell if I was tired or dizzy. It was probably a combination of both, but who knows. I havn’t felt present.

I have been struggling with food. More so recently. I know its playing a big role with the way I have been feeling. I get that. I went out today to spend some time at my favorite coffee shop, but on the way there, I made myself stop to get some food. Sure, I could have got food at the coffee shop, but no! Yarnie said no. I was not allowed to have food from there, bagels, bread, soup with meat in it..ha. I stopped at the common market. I spent a good 30 minutes in the small store, walking around, checking labels, forgetting what I have already looked at, only to walk out with a little bit of food from the already made food bar. Collared greens and a little bit of brown rice, in the smallest container available, not even filled up. So ridiculus!!!!! I know. It then took me a good hour to get through that while sitting down at the coffee shop.

Its no wonder I still felt hungry after I left. I then went to goodwill for a good while, and I don’t remember much of it. Then Target, where I did much of the same thing I did at the common market. I went there to look at clothes and spent most of the time looking at the food. Oh, then get this, next stop, grocery store, and yes, I did the same thing. I did however but some soup. I came home, made some soup, ate some soup, then purged it.

And wouldn’t you know….I’m still really fucking hungry.

I am an idiot. Or my monster is the idiot, making me an idiot too!

UUUGGGHHHHHHH. Living with an eating disorder voice in your head….yeah. NOT FUN.

I am in bed, I feel like crap, and then feel like crap some more because I am the sole reason  for making myself  feel like crap, and I am not doing a damn thing to make me feel not like crap. But I sure as hell can complain about feeling like crap.

So I think its safe to say that this crappy feeling will linger. Until I do something about it.

I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! But will I????

I am having a good day.

I am going to just try and relax with a movie. I did that last night. I watched Seeking a Friend For The End Of The World. I love that movie. My problem tonight is that I have set aside a rather large option pile. There is Skins, volume 1 or 2, across the universe, prom, freaks, a clockwork orange, the pursuit of happiness, soul surfer, return to oz, interveiw with the vampire, extremely loud and incredibly close…a good variety you could say. I can’t make up my mind about anything.

Skins….I think.