12/17/2012

I don’t know why, but I had a stressful day. Uneventful, but stressful.

The holidays were brought up in therapy today.

I have not felt any excitement towards christmas this year. ,mlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllln 41555022222222222222222222222222222222222111111111111111

…That was Francois. He figured he’d try his hand…no, paw… at typing. I guess he had some stuff to say. He speaks in code apparently.

Anyway…Back to the holidays. Christmas. I had not cared up until now. I wasn’t thinking about, or perhaps it was more of the avoiding game. I don’t know. All I can say is that I havn’t cared. I haven’t gotten a single gift for anybody. 

I want to be able to feel the excitement over gift giving. I love giving gifts! In the past, that has always been my favorite part. This year, there has been no interest. No thought put into it at all.

So today, after therapy, I sort of got a big slap in the face. Next week…next week and I have nothing. I have felt nothing. 

This has made me feel so incredably awful. I feel selfish and ungrateful. I know its not about the gifts, the material possesions, but at the same time, I still want to have something to give. 

Which makes me feel even more owful because I have no money at all to spend on anything. I will have no money next week, and the week after that and the week after that. 

I feel like I don’t even have anything of me to give.  I could find a way to make something…God knows what,  but I’m sure I could. Yet I don’t want to make anything.

And this is making me feel stressed because now I feel presured from myself. I just don’t know what to do at the moment.

I should be able to look past myself, put my selfishness away…

I should take the time to let others know I’m thankful for them, and that I love them, and that I care. I know people feel that way towards me. So why the hell don’t I have anything inside me to show that???

I do really care, I am so so thankful, and I love dearly!!!!!! I know that is the real gift, I know thats what the holidays are about…

I can type the words, and I can think the words in my mind, but thats all I have. I don’t know whats wrong with me right now. This is not something that should take so much energy.

I know I am capable of it.

I feel like such a grinch. I’m sure this will pass, just like most things. I think it’s all coming out from the stress of it all. Things can get better. There is time. Hell, things could change in the next five minutes. I guess I’m just having a hard time seeing past the stress. Seeing past the negative. I think the thing I will have to remember is that there is two sides, the negative side, where I am still at, but then there is the positive side. I can’t go anywhere except to the other side. I’m letting the negatives out weigh the positives. Perhaps I am giving into the illusion of the negatives, there seems to be so much. It may appear to be less poitives, but I’m sure the positives have more mass.

Ha…now I am seeing it in my head. Here is what I see.

"Do you see what I see?"

Said the night wind to the little lamb
Do you see what I see
Way up in the sky little lamb
Do you see what I see
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite

Well look at that! I do have a little christmas in me!

Or not. It was more of a tangent! I had to get it all out before I continued.

Anyway, back at the ranch…No, the sciences and mathmatics hall I mean…

A standard balance scale. The positives and negatives, one on each side of the scale, represented by figures. People, or just shapes maybe. The left is the negative side, and on that side of the balance surface, there are a bunch of figures. The right represents the positives, and on that side of the balance, there is less figures. Yet, the right side is all the way to the ground, despite the amount of figures. And the left side is up, despite the amount of figures. Then upon inspecting the figures, you feel that the left figures are hollow, but the figures on the right are solid. 

Now, How many slices of pizza will jimmy need to feed each of his party guests 1 1/2 pieces of pizza?

Thats correct, the answer is C) Jackalope.

I just gave everybody a written math problem.

Merry Christmas!

I said at the begining of this entry, that I didn’t know what was causing the stress. Turns out I did know about the causes of the strees.