1/30/13

From 1/30/13

I have therapy tomorrow. It will be my third session with my new councelor. My guess is she will start the session off by asking what I would like to talk about. She asked that last time, and mentioned how she likes to start each session off by asking that question. Its a fine question to ask, so long as the question is not directed at me. I always respond with an "I don’t know" and usually folllow up by saying something like "I didn’t have a whole lot going on this week" I think it drove my previous therapist a little crazy, and perhaps it will do the same to my new therapist. I don’t really like to talk, or I should say its hard for me to talk. It makes me feel like an idiot.

I do think I am going to like my new therapist though, despite her difficult question. Last week after the initail start of the session, I was able to talk, but only because I was asked to imagine a bunch of things. It was easy and colorful. I had really clear visions, and I didn’t have try to find words to explain things. The visions were there, which included the words. If that makes any sense?? For example, (but not counselors exact words) I was asked to visualize a certain issue….this issue being my mother. Her negative presence. That presence in my mind was/is a cloud of shifting shades of red, humid and heavy and dense. Hovering around my head, close, but not always.

I think I got a lot out of that session actually. Because by the end, I felt like a ghost buster of sorts, visualizing myself attacing the red cloud. Although, my means of attack were not so conventional. I was asked to imagine how I would get rid if the cloud, or at least push it away for a little. I imagined a vacuum of sorts. Instead of physically pushing or shoving the cloud away with force from my body, I sucked it up into a vacume. It was like a super hero accesorie or something, but vacuum style. The vacuum was by my side, like a witch has a broom. But being sucked into the vacuum wasn’t enough to get rid of the cloud, so then I was asked to imagine what happened after that, so then I saw how it went into that vacuum bag thing, so from there I removed the heavy cloud filled bag, took it to a dumster, tossed it into a pile, where it fell close to the groud ( being heavy and all) And then last but not least, I poured water over the bag. The water is the clouds poison. But it stiill had to go through the vacuum process first, because otherwise, I would have just found a way to imerse it in water fisrt thing. I have to contain the cloud to drown it in water. Its just the way this works in my imagination. Which is funny because real world clouds are made of water, and fade away without it. In my imagination world, water is my peace. It keeps me together.