05/23/2012

A bad night…

Hah, thats an understatement! Im lying in bed clenching my fists, my toes, trying not to do more things that I shouldn’t be doing. …And Im leaking. My eyes are leaking and they won’t stop. I am staring off into nowhere. I want to be nowhere, I want to feel nothing. I can’t let people in. I can’t! I don’t know how. Its unfair to drag people into my problems. Its not fair. Nobody deserves that. I feel so weak all the time because I can’t help myself. All I want is to be done with this. Snap my fingers…all is better.

My best friends birthday is tomorrow, but she was celebrating tonight. She invited me out to dinner. Of course I can’t say no. That has yet to work for me. I didn’t want to go! I so didn’t want to go. I called her, told her what I was thinking. She sounded dissapointed. She said she wanted me there. So what did I do? Sucked it up and went with a faux smile. All those fucking Fauxs again! I felt to weak if i were to backout. Like Yarnie is controling the whole situation. I tried to take control and tell Yarnie no. But really, that was a faux no! I went because I’d much rather suffer than dissapoint somebody! I can’t stand that feeling. I don’t know why I carry that around, Its not my job to make other people happy, but I sure as hell try.  If I can’t make myself happy, I may aswell try to make others happy. The dinner was miserable, and I knew it would be going into it!

 Yet again, another small crampted room. A menue full of food I won’t eat. To many people for my liking. Questions I don’t know how to answer. Mind all over the place, racing! Not able to focus, everything seems louder, brighter. Unable to speak. Trying hard to care, to smile like I mean It. Trying to relax. Trying all for nothing.

I don’t order anything. I sip at my ice water. My friend says "why don’t you just order from the vegatarian options, theres vegitables!" Yeah, vegitables turned into something I won’t eat. So I stic with water. The server brings out tortilla chips and salsa, and I stare at it. More questions. The noise of everybody else crunching onk chips was almost unbearable. The food looked so good in such an awful way. Im sure I coult have ordered everything off the menue and ate it all. I want to be able to enjoy food, Not obsess over it. Meals come out, and I feel ridiculus. I have nothing, so I sip a lot of ice water just to make it seem like Im doing something. The smells, the sights, Its all too overwhelming. All I wanted to do was haul ass out of there. But I wanted to be there for my friend so I continued to play "ok" I was going to go there just to give my friend her birthday gif, but when I got there I felt to bad to mention that, I felt stupid, and I didn’t have a good excuse to leave. I felt bad for thinking about doing that. I figured since im already here, might as well stick around. I want things like birthday dinners to be normal. To be fun, I felt lije perhaps this is something I need to do, I need to push myself. If I don’t I will stay stuck here forever.  

I can look back now and say Yarnie was right all along. I should have just skipped out on it! Stayed home, avoid, or engage.

By thr end of the dinner, I was beyond overwhelmed. I just wanted to go. I couldn’t focus. Racing thoughts again. The waste of it all, the dissapointments.

Its a rainy night. My brakes on my car suck. My mind isn’t present. Next thing I know I hit a car. My mind was somewhere else. Most likely on Mars. The lady I hit gets out of her car and starts shouting at me, saying what is wrong with you?. A Lot!!! al ot is wrong with me, but I didn’t say that. I just broke down pretty much, lost it right there. I couldn’t answer. I wasn’t worried about my car, infact almost no damage was done to either car. It was the situation. I was so upset! 
 

I ended up standing in the rain, shaking and crying. Embarrased. I must have looked so pathetic.

I got home later than expected. I did things I shouldn’t have done. But it was all I could think of to do in order to block out all the other stuff. I invited Yarnie and all his wonderful gifts in. Said welcome, come on in! These things I did, did nothing. I feel like an ass.

And Yarnie won’t shut up! I deserve all of this he says!

I want to sleep. Sleep for a very long time. Take a break. Hide. Forget.!