02/07/2013

I have some complaining to do!

I had a doctors appointment this evening.

I should take this as good news…that everything looks good.

I hate it. Its a sick thought, I know, but I really hate it.

The was another doctor with my usual doctor…or a soon to be doctor? I don’t know the correct term…she was finishing up her something or another with my doctor. I forgot what they said, I was tuned out. Anyway, she took me back to the room today. She weighed me, she announced it. My doctor never announces it, which I prefer, because hearing any number out loud is pretty damn devastating in my mind. I understand that she was not my usual doctor, I understand she had no clue about me, I understand has a lot less experiance. However, I was still really upset. I didn’t say anything of course, because I never say anything. After hearing the number…thats when I tuned out. I was ready to cry, but I hate crying. I just wish she would have looked at my charts prior, or I  wish my doctor would have said someting to her befroe hand about the weigh in thing, but perhaps things don’t really work out like that. She really had no idea why I was seeing the doctor in the first place, I know because she told me, but then again, maybe thats the way it works. I don’t know. I’m not really angry at her though. She was only doing what she was meant to do. After my usual doctor stopped by the room for a whole two minutes, he left me again to talk with her again, saying she was really great and that she would be good for me to "talk" to. She didn’t do a lot of talking though. she asked about medications, then counseling, and then pretty much said that things would get better after a while. That was her advice. Thats all got from this visit. It was pointless. I walked out, and then I did cry.  And it all came back to the number. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!! I could say it over and over again, but I wil spare you the unnecessary words….it could go on until I run out of my allotted characters here on open diary.

I have been having a tough week in general. I don’t really know why. A part of me thinks its somewhat coming from my last therapy session. My body image issues were brought up a little bit. We didn’t even talk about it for long. I made it clear that it was really hard for me to talk about. But ever since then, I have been even more focused on my image. On monday I wanted to destroy my image in the mirror. I was so upset. I acted on syptoms quite a bit on Monday. I didn’t want to leave house. I felt like shit on Wednesday. Mentally. I woke up late Wednesday morning. I am supposed to be at the kids house at 8am on week days, but I did’t open my eyes until 8:05am. It could have been worse, but it made me feel rushed for the rest of the day, and ontop of that, I had the intense body image thing going on. My head has been hurting all week. I feel huge and disgusting. Im really hungry. I am lacking energy to care. I have therapy again tmorrow. I don’t know if I will talk more about body image. I don’t foresee myslef saying so when councelor starts the session of by asking me what I want to talk about. I will shrug my shoulders as an answer to that question instead. A shrug of the shoulders is how I feel anyway.

Oh right…and anger. I feel anger towards myself. Thats a hard one though, when somebody asks why…why do I feel anger towards myself? I am not angry at myself becuase I did something wrong, I am angry because I am me. Thats all. Thats all I know atleast. I know that anger is a secondary emotion, that fear is the underlying issue. What still confuses me is what is it that I am afraid of. I think I have said this before, but is it really the fear of myself. I guess I have yet to grasp the real issue! Maybe the fear that I will never be good enough for anything??????????? I guess thats cause for some anger.

I don’t know. However, I do know one thing….and thats that this is all so fucking annoying!

Im just annoyed. And angry, with shruggy shoulders. Is there one word for that?

And here is another thing, pretty much unrelated…but related in the anger sense. I get angry when I am cold. I get angry at cold weather. Whats the fear underlying that???? I don’t think its because I have a fear of cold. I face it everyday for months. Maybe I have a fear of being uncomfortable????????????????????? Or maybe its more of uncomfortableness added ontop of the already always uncomfortble.

Thats a lot of uncomfortable.

And a lof of complaining.

Some positives from the week????

Ummmmmmmmmmm….ehhhhhh……

-Support from al-anon and eda. Last week an older lady(from al-anon) pinched me (in a grandma sort of way..) and told me I was cute. It was very grandma like. I never had a grandparent do that. It was cute.

-I went with a friend to har some music last night at Nola. Megan Jean and the KFB. It was good, there was a banjo. I fucking love the sound of the banjo.

-I did some handy dandy sketchbook doodling. I do have to admit, I was strugging with that at the begining of the week, but now its better.

-I took Francois out with a leash and harness for the first time today. Poor kitty was confused, but I think he did like being outside. and he did good, I mean, there wasn’t mush walking, and certainly no leading on my part, but what can you expect from a cat.

…And Francois has an appointment to be fixed on the 22nd. Im happy about this. It will be good for him, and It will be good when he stops going to town with my fuzzy blanket. I have had enough of his blanket wanking. I know its nature, but…ugghhh…( I was feeling a little bit bad though…thinking about it….when he goes to lick his balls and realizes they are gone…will he even know..or what wll he be thinking..I don’t mean to go into detail about this…its weird, I know, but really…I really wonder..and I wonder why I am thinking about it this much) Francois will be getting some vaccines aswell, which is also good, because I want a healthy chat!!! He may be angry with me for a little, but its worth it!

-Talks of finally moving out.

-Gas in the car.

…………..lost interest. String off into the distance…..

The other day I really wanted to play skee ball. Good ol’ fashion arcade skee ball. I have no clue where this desire came from. I still want to play it. Skee ball is quite nice, even If I am really bad at it. I can’t even remember the last time I played it. There is a place I could go to , its a whole 3 minutes away from me…but Its in a big arcade place, and I don’t really like big arcade places…scary teenagers hang out there. The kind that fluff their hair and where the 3D glasses with no frame.

Okay…I don’t mean to judge anybody who does this, its more of a question really. But whats with the thing where (mostly young girls) take pictures of themselves fluffling one side of their hair while tilting their head with wide eyes that say…ooop…a picture of me?? Its so unexpected…even though I’m taking a picture of myself…

Or theres the one with the hand on one hip while standing slightly curved…hips sorta kinda out….one leg slightly bent at the knee.

…and then the one where the person takes the picture of themselves f

rom above(with their iphone), but looking down so the face dosen’t show, but the hand high up in th air thats taking the picture is clearly visable…usually theres a headband involved.

Oh…one more…the self portrait taken from the sholders down, arms lay loosely at the sides. Where the subject stands away from the camera sorce, just enough to capture the shoulders down..and the background is made to be black and white, and its usually in a bedroom where the walls are plastered in other pictures, and the outfit of the subjects usually consists of a too large sweater, leggins or tights, possibly leg warmers or long socks….I mean, nothing wrong with the ensemble…just why is it involved with this one particular picture…

I feel like this one may have came from an Urban Outfitters ad…

But really…I just want to know where the idea of these poses came from. Its not so much of the fact that people take tons of pictures of themselves…I get that…many of us do that….it is what it is…(its all about me me me theses days…take this entry for example)

If I offeneded anybody by this, I truely am sorry…If you enjoy taking said photos, snap away, as long as it makes you happy…

….Just…..why?