unsettling

abt maybe six to 8 wks ago, f was talking about taking me to sf. i enthusiastically agreed. it was after the first "date"- id rather call it an "appointment"- which took place in a well lit public location, as to minimize the possibility of rape.

—–side note—-

no matter what happens or what he says or how i think i feel, i always remind myself of several pieces of advice ive recieved over the past few years,

"never trust anyone you meet in a strip club." – austin

"remember that absolutely anyone is capable of anything at anytime for any reason. it doesnt matter if its your mother or your best firend." – frank

"dont let anyone grab you!" – grandma

—————-about the "first appointment"—

it was an alright event. we talked a lot and walked around and looked at animals.  he liked that i was on time. [weird- bc im always late to everything, but for some reason i was making an effort to be prompt, and had no idea where this urge was coming from. i suppose it was the need to impress. idk] he also liked my appearance, although the shoes were a bit much for all that walking. that was when i was still smoking cigarettes, and so [hopefully] if that one incidenct was a "test" on his part, i either a.] passed, or b.] didnt give him enough information to judge me.

—-overall feelings—-

im still not really sure what to think of f. i cant tell how much of himself he is actually letting me see and how much is bs or manipulation. im wondering what he has planned. i assume he is trying to bed me, but ive decided that is not an option. i havent expressed my views on the subject. anytime it is hinted, i either a.] ignore it b.] treat it as if it were a joke. i have not been insulting one bit. im not entirely sure who i am dealing with and i am doing my best to stay guarded and not provoke any thoughts or feelings of rejection or anger. i do not wish to offend, just learn. i am merely an observer; a student.  im treating f as an intructor, and mentor, nothing more, nothing less. i feel as though he has misinterpreted my interest as as a sexual one, or perhaps that was his motive from day one. regardless, im never going to fuck this man. ever.

—-back to the start of this rant—

so, i brought all of this up bc he had invited me to sf, i said yes, but we had never set a date or time. after i moved, it became more difficult for us to make plans; also, i used the distance to my advantage [safety].  make plans, to show interest, but never follow through, to become a "tease", more or less. eveyone one wants what they cannot have. the level of rarity determines the desire. it is a direct relationship. there are far too many variables, and i have yet to find the constant.

all in all, i am currently pleased with the results of my behaviour. he mentioned the sf trip during the week of the 17th and again just a few days ago. i believe todays traffic incident was an omen. or i might just be paranoid. in any case, my decision stands the same. im going to continue to tease and see how far i can get.

i should not encourage the situation, but i throughly enjoy the attention. i took necessary  precaution. i feel as though he knows he is my teacher. i believe we met for a reason.

———————————————————————————————————————————————

so, mch came to visit me mon-tue-wed. it was awful on mon. i was having episodes and no matter what i did, could not force myself to be happy. it was so bad, i almost asked him to leave. tue was much improved. i finally got a lot of things off my chest. we almost broke up, but them worked things out, sorta. we are in relationship limbo– more or less– which is just a weird state for both parties. i love him. i want this to work. at least long enough to have a beautiful daughter. i want to be like betty davis. 1st marriage is for love, and produces a child i am grateful for, then the 2nd marriage is for money and security, most likely bearing no children.  i have decided that i can accept mch being my first husband. he’s very much marriage material, and i believe the combination of our DNA has the ability for a mesmerizing outcome.

—-tue—-

was fucking incredible!!! once mch and i talked about what was bothering us, i had to go out to MFHC to do more paperwork and got my schedule!!! i start monday the ninth!!!  im going to be working ten day work weeks, with 4 days off. however, this poses a bit of a problem for my relationship. i will be working m-t-w-r-f-a-u-m-t-w, then off r-f-a-u. mch’s schedule is m-t off, work w-r-f-a-u. its going to be difficult with not only having the distance, but also now the added schedule conflicts. oh well. i told him i was still willing to work on it and still willing to try, but that i could not do it alone. he has to try also. LUCKILY!!! i will be getting health insurance in the next few months, so i can hopefully acquire psychiatric treatment and start some sort of medication regimine to keep me from losing my mind.

———one thing————

that mch said about 2 or 3 days ago… he mentioned he felt like dead weight. sadly, i know that he is. but as a friend, i plan to stick by him and help him through this depression. he’s more than just a boyfriend to me. he helped me to realize my problems, which is the first step on the road to recovery. the only way i can adequtely repay him is to provide the same. plus, im far too lazy to go out and meet someone new, its easier just to stay in the current relationship. im comfortable with mch, and even if we cant see each other all the time, i trust him completely, and im pretty sure he trusts me. besides, i will be working constantly, and when im not at MFHC, i will be at home. i plan on designing in my free time and using my creativity to the max. b suggested that i should get my shit in order over the next twelve months and then try for a spot on project runway. i think that maybe one of the best bi-polar/grandious plans he’s come up with for me in a while.

—atm—-

im currently sitting in mch’s room, he’s at work. i arrived before one pm this afternoon, 30 min before he had to leave for work. i needed to accomplish things in this area that i could not do at home. 1. transcripts 2. work related supplies 3. banking transfer 4. bc

i also cleaned the kitchen, dining room and bathroom of mch’s place. fuck— i clean every time i come to visit. it always seem to be offensively filthy. he has two room mates, and one is extremely messy. mch and s dont feel like cleaning up after c, so the messes just continue to grow… that is, until i arrive. im just pleased that someone in this house continues to restock the cleaning supplies. im apparently the only one who uses them tho…

excuse me a moment, i must switch the laundry…..;)

—im soooo proud of myself because—

i found an $80 purse on clearance for $15!!!!!!  its grown up looking! all of my other accessories are all childish or tacky, and not work appropriate or professional.  if im going to really succeed in my new workplace, i want to look the part as well as act it. and i have found it is far easier

to stay in character if im wearing the right costume…. 🙂