SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED

since we last spoke.

the new job.

mch dumped me. i got over it in 2 days

started sort-of-but-not-dating srg. thats over with. at least on my end. he still wants something to happen.

the rapid cycling bpd has been keeping me crazy and entertained. im trying to not let it affect my work.

i love love love my job. like for serious.

my perception of the world is improving. maybe. at least i think it might be, but im not sure. i was reading more for a while there. something i need to keep up with. anton is a wonderful teacher and in turn,  i want to be a wonderful pupil.

on and off conversations with f lead me all over the place. i keep going back and forth. i really like him, almost desire him at some intervals, but i keep reminding myself that i truly have very little knowledge on him. and the info i do have is very negative, and honestly, a turn off. so… idk about that situation.

work is going well. i think.  im pretty sure that most everyone likes me. or at least doesnt hate me. i try to help everyone with everything and be very polite and professional. i work my ass off. but try really hard not to complain, and always ask for more work.  i told k he could "use me and abuse me" and boy, does he ever. actually, everyone does. but its fine. its an easy way for me to learn how to do things. i need to get better at using the computer system.

FLASH BACK, 2004-  i had an abundance of energy. i was younger, but not that much. but that was before all the heavy drug use and misbehaving. so many god damn mistakes. so many. but it brought me to where i am now. which is not a bad place by any means. but it still makes me wonder…. had i made better decisions, could i be in an even better place than my current state? the world will never know. the only thing now is to move forward. the only way out is up.

RETURN – i want to move closer to work. i drive 45 min each way everyday.

im tired, so i think i will be sleeping soonish, but remind me to tell you about the *disturbing* fantasy i had about k.