mind control?

or just my own silly paranoia? knarf has been on my mind for days. maybe a week even. it was strange, around the time MCH and i broke up, like seriously, they day or so before knarf told me he was doing some sort of lautir. a few days afterwards, i asked how it went for him. he seemed very enthused, and said he was "already seeing signs of it working"

SIDENOTE: did i mention that i broke my old cell phone and had to get a new one and that i lost ALL my pictures and text msgs?AND MY DAMN CALENDAR. sucks btw. and NO, i do not have a sim card. Most of the Texts dont really matter, but some had important information that i hadnt had a chance to write down on paper. WB4GIV. nevermind. i remembered it. not that it matters or could help me, at least, i dont know how to use the information that i have. so i guess it doesnt matter that i lost it, or remembered it. bc it has no value. oh well. sucks that i lost all my pictures. well, i could have all 335 of them transfered to my new phone, for twenty dollars. i wanted to see if if i could connect the phone to my computer and extract them, but im fazr too lazy for this. and i lack the technical know how. and i dont think i have the right cords. so i’ll probably just end up spending the 20. i had some rrrreaallllyyy good pictures of 1. me 2. ex wife 3. other crap…. also a ton of stupid worthless pictures too tho. probably more stupid worthless ones than anything else. o well. IM RAMBLING

BACK TO THE SUBJECT OF MIND CONTROL: is it possible? i think anything is possible. so i guess it is. so that means i cannot trust my own thoughts. at least not all of the time. but i wont know when to trust them or when not to. i just have to keep things in mind. esp when dealing with knarf. such as: his age. he’s racist and homophobic. he is not attractive. and he only wants to use me. but once i started to take his advice on certain things, my life began to improve. so what? that just means he is smart. it doesnt mean he is not manipulative. or that he wont hurt me. he probably will hurt me, and i know for a fact that he is manipulative. and most likely will take complete and reckless advantage of me.

whats stopping me from giving in to him? his personal hygiene. his age [which im beginning to think i could get over], the fact that he has children, and drama with the 1. ex wife and 2. other baby mama. the fact that he is kinda trashy. but i am glad we met. and i am glad that he is in my life. he has helped me begin to realize my potential. and bc of that, i have begun to raise my standards, think outside the box, and strive for success in more areas of my life. i also think that bc of knarf and moreso bc of anton, i am now drug free. its been, what? a little over two months? i think so. all of sept. all of oct. this far into nov. also bc i stopped seeing mch. and bc i moved away from all my connections. but some how, learning what i learned from knarf, it made it easier to say no to B. i can even say no to cigarettes. ive been smoke free for??? 2 months or so.

im very slowly growing up. i think i avoided this so long because i didnt think i would like who i would potentially become. i am actually starting to like myself more than before. im less depressed. that it also attributed to finally realizing and accepting that i have rapid cycling bi polar disorder, and therefore, knowing what is wrong can help me to feel less hopeless.

SIDE NOTE: OH MY FUCKING CRAP!!!  i dont know WHAT happened, but something must have shifted in the universe, bc the mean lady that laughed at me and said no to me when i missed my INS dead line called me at work on monday and said SOMEHOW i would be able to get my benefits!!! strangely enough, earlier that day, K sent me an email asking when my start date had been. and the mean lady called a few hours after. so im WONDERING if K had anything to do with it. altho, i have no idea how he could have done anything, but if he did do anything to help my situation, i hate him SO MUCH LESS!