haters gonna hate. lol

it always brightens my day when stupid people read my blog and dont understand what satire is. its even better when they leave me nasty messages.  

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IN OTHER NEWS…

-i made 21 mini cheese cakes today! they are cooling in the fridge atm, but i’ll letcha know how they turned out.

-i had to leave the house today to go to two stores. whenever i go out, i refuse to take my sunglasses off [even at night, lol], because in all reality [or at least in the reality of my rapid-cycling-bipolar disorder controlled brain], i am a celebrity and therefore do not have to make eye contact with anyone. ever. [at least not in this town].  however, today’s conquest was nothing short of a glowing ego boost.  [if it gets inflated anymore, i might just float away.]  [confidence = win] ten strangers[i counted!] verbally complimented me and everyone [seriously every single person in both stores] stared at me. most likely because they dont know me and this is a small town.  or maybe because everyone here has a staring problem. i’d like to think its because im utterly gorgeous, but more likely, people were probably wondering whether or not i was blind, since i was wearing sunglasses indoors. either way, the attention was nice. its even better when you try to ignore it- because then it just happens more.

-i have become obsessive compulsive with my weight again. im trapped around 102 lbs. my goal weight is 110lbs. i know i shouldnt weigh myself everyday, but i do. i know weight naturally fluctuates, and that youre only supposed to weigh yourself once a week [and at the same time-since weight can fluctuate throughout the day even] but its too hard to wait that many days inbetween scale visits! i drop weight soooo easily, its scary. [i thought i had a tape worm for the longest time…. ]  i made this silly little notebook that i titled "how i beat anorexia!" in which i document my daily caloric and protein intake, as well as hydration, weight, and physical activity. i guess if i wanted to get even more into it, i could chart my measurements as well [thats not a bad idea].

here’s my progress so far:

TUESDAY

calories = 1100

protein = 48 g

h2o = 8oz

physical activity = walked for one hour

WEDNESDAY

calories = 1172

protein = 34 g

h2o = 52 oz

physical activity = swept/vaccuumed/cleaned the house for one hour

weight = 102.2

THURSDAY

calories = 2511

protein = 96.5 g

h20 = 40 oz

physical activity = cleaned my room and rearranged heavy furniture for one hour

weight = 101.4

FRIDAY

calories = 3331

protein = 81.5 g

h2o = 64 oz

physical activity = 1 set of arm twists [silly exercise from cosmo. lol]

weight = 103.4

SATURDAY

calories = 1097

protein = 34 g

h2o = 24 oz

physical activity = mixed leg lifts 100 reps each leg

weight = 102.6

 

i will continue to update as more information becomes available 🙂

even though my goal is to gain weight, i’d like it to be easily distributed. id prefer to gain muscle rather than fat, but its whatever at the moment. ive been trying to get off my ass and do something physical each day, but then i have to eat more to replace the calories ive burned. gaining weight is frustrating. although im happy to be under weight than over weight. even though losing weight is actually easier, in my opinion.  seriously, if you want to lose weight, just stop eating. most over weight people dont have the will power to do such a thing, and thats why even when they lose a little bit, they still gain it back, sometimes gaining more than they lost. its sad, really.

now, to slim down in a healthy way, one would need to incorporate exercise, because if all you do is starve yourself, your body will break down and feed on the muscle tissue before it feeds on the adipose tissue, resulting in a "third world country starving child, skinny appendages with distended belly look". thats almost worse than being overweight. [notice i said ALMOST. lol]

believe it or not, i was in the BEST shape of my life when i was a stripper [last summer] [although, i was covered in bruises. it was so bad, my PCP thought i was abusing intravenous drugs! in all truth, im just a super pale chick who bruises quite easily, is super skinny and honestly, pretty lazy. being a stripper got me off my lazy butt, and doing 8 to 10 hours of cardio and toning 4 nights a week]. i was 105 lbs of SOLID MUSCLE. im still in decent shape, but ive lost the obscene definition in my thighs. i could seriously make my vastus lateralis and vastus medialis highly visible on command. it was super sexy.

but alas, depression and a lack of desire for food [and not giving a shit about my body] has taken the sexy away. WELL IM GETTING IT BACK! at least thats the plan.

since im not allowed to psuedo-sell my body anymore [per mch and md], i have to seek out other optons. well, not entirely… i still have the shoes and i still know all the moves. earlier this morning, i did 30 minutes of strip cardio and floor work in nothing but my seven inch wooden heels and panties [in my own bedroom, sans pole]. i had a tee shirt on, but i was all sweaty after five minutes [proving that im out of shape- at least to my standards].

just thinking about exercise makes me hungry!!!!

oh, and i plan to post pictures of the 717 dress project very very soon! PROMISE!!!

 

HEY GUESS WHAT…?

i love you!  [yes, you]