Man, i’m bad…

I hate how I always wait so long to update this thing… i always forget the events i want to put down in here so i don’t forget them. By the time i feel like sitting down and typing them all out, most of them become a forgotten memory. Which is probably good for some of them but not them all…

Im still with D. Things are going normally. I use this word as opposed to using good because the majority of people would probably not use the word good to describe my relationship. His lack of affection is driving me to seek it else where… and I have been doing just that. And you know what? I still don’t feel guilty about it.

Tuesday, after school, I went out with teacher Mike and Griff. Long story short, I HATE Griff. He’s a pompous redneck asshole who really doesnt know anything. He also talks a lot of shit, which is a union thing I know, but he is doing it about people he knows I hang out with. Like Mike. Or Colin. Thankfully he only stayed for two. Haha i am such a bitch. I got to the bar right before they did and ordered my drink. Then I saw the guys walk in and I told the bar tender and said, "i’ll pay for that ones drink…" and pointed to Mike. Then I turned around and went upstairs.

Lemme explain how the room is set up. When you get to the top of the stairs, theres two pool tables to the left, a ‘glass’ wall, about eye level high, that has three sides, surrounding a hole in the floor that lets you see down stairs. this has about 15 bar stools around it. Five more pool tables to the right of that and then there is a little separate room with one pool table in it. Theres like a long bench that is against the left wall. By the top of the stairs there are these two large, burgandy leather, ridiculously comforable couches. the unglass wall has a large TV on it so if you are sitting on the couches, you can watch that tv.

That is where me and Mike were sitting. Drinking it up, chit chatting. Im holding my drink, sitting on one of my feet telling Mike a story when he just leans in and starts totally making out with me. Mid sentence. It was actually amazing. It was a familiar feeling too, which was nice to have. Obviously, the last time I did anything with mike was back on December 23 when we knocked boots. After giving me this great kiss, he pulled away and said, ‘Sorry. had to do it.’ And i was all flustered so I think I said something stupid. But you know what? That was the most romantic thing anyone has said to my face in almost 2 years. And he didn’t mean it like that, of course. He has a smoking hot girlfriend. But it was yummy and comforting and I instigated it a few more times over the course of the night.

Then. Last night. I had sent a text out to Karin, Mike, and Colin asking if anyone was going out. I didnt get an answer from any of them. So after class, i started to drive home and decided to stop in Silk City’s parking lot. I looked at all the cars and I thought one of the trucks was Colin’s but i wasn’t sure. And at that point in time, if they really were there and he really did ignore my text, he obviously didnt want me around. So I left the parking lot and got stuck at the light thats right on the corner. So i look at my sent text messages and noticed that the texts i had sent asking if anyone was going out never actually sent. i must not have had service where i was sitting. So i was relieved that they hadn’t been ignoring me. So i sent a text to Colin and Nate asking if they were going out and Colin sent me back ‘we’re already here’ so i turned around and drove back to Silks.

I walk in and don’t get I.D.’d cause i go there so much and all the bar tenders know my drink. Gin and coke with a lime. Then I had upstairs to find Colin, Steve, and Nate playing pool. I immeadetly smiled. These three fifth years are my favorite guys in the whole school. I don’t know why they hang out with me and let me pal around but they do and I love it. I don’t know much about the stuff they are talking about, whether it be about a job or about people in the union, but they don’t hold anything back and they know they can trust me and talk about anything in front of me.

So they finish up their game and then we played our foursome game. Steve and I are always on the same team and then Colin and Nate. We’re both Italian so we decided to stick together, lol. Two Italaians versus a black guy and a German guy.

We played a few rounds, had a few drinks, smoked a few cigarettes and then Colin had to leave. Which was a little upsetting because Colin is my touchy feely bar buddy. We make out all the time and he is usually all over me or touching me or something… and even when other people are around. As a matter of fact, on Tuesday Mike has asked me what was up with us. I just went through all of my entries since December and I haven’t mentioned how Colin and I are. Well I just did. And it’s pretty much a weekly occurance. I havent slept with him… I would. And I’ve had plenty of chances to but I havent.

So now it’s Nate, Steve, and myself. Steve is 31, married for about 8 years with 2 little kids. He isn’t bad looking and he’s very funny. Nate is 32, broke up with his girlfriend/fiancee of TEN YEARS last year and just got out of a nine month relationship. Very handsome. He and I actually found ourselves at the bar very late one night a few weeks ago. So yeah, he’s really cute and I’ve wanted to make out with him. I won’t lie or butter that up. But he’s one of those guys that makes me think to myself, ‘yeah dont bother wasting your time. He’s too good for you.’

We determined early in the evening that ‘Steve was an asshole’ and that was the theme of the night. We tried to think of all sorts of vulgar things to call him. Then We put all the vulgar things on a scale starting with ‘jackass’ at the bottom to be followed by ‘douche bag, douche nozzel, asshole, dick, dick head, mother fucker, and (sorry everyone) cu^t’ at the top of the list. this was the running joke of the evening.

So we were playing pool on the pool tables on the left side near where that bench thing runs along the wall. It was getting later and we were having an awesome time and we were all sitting on the bench: Steve, me, then Nate. Actually I was in Nate’s seat once so he sat on my lap lol. Then he offered the same for me and if I wasn’t such a fucking fat whale I would have.

When it was Steve’s shot, Nate and I were sitting and I have my back against the back of the seat and Nate was sitting next to me. At one point he says, "Sit up for a second" and i moved forward thinking there was something behind me. No, he put his arm around me. We did this back and forth for the rest of the night and it felt SO GOOD.

Why can’t Derek do shit like this at home? He’s my boyfriend supposedly and doesnt do anything like any of this. I fucking THRIVE off of this attention. it feels so good to have these gentle little gestures in my direction.

So it got the the point where he would just immeadetly put is arm around me and pull me over to him. And i would be sitting with my feet curled up to the side and have my hand on his leg. This was… just so damn great. At one point Nate offered to let me stay at his house if i didn’t think I could drive and then he realized D probably wouldnt like that…

So Steve eventually left and I gave him a big hug. Then Nate and I kept playing pool. I went d

own stairs to get us another round and i came back up to hand him his newcastle. He was mid aiming for his next shot when I walked up to him and he smiled and put one arm on each side of me and took his shot while i was right in the middle. It would have been really cute if i wasnt quite so large, lol.

So now the bar is closed and we paid our tabs and went outside. I just happened to park right next to him. So we are leaning against my car and im doing a drunk ramble. Im leaning against my back driver’s side tire well and he is against the back driver’s side door. So i move to head towards my door and stop in front of him. Talk a little more and then go in for a hug. He opened his arms and i moved close to him and turned my head at the last second to see if he’d let me kiss him. He sure did, lol. We made out for a good 10-15 minutes and i kept pulling away saying i needed to go and he would kiss my ear and neck. He said, ‘yeah i would stand in this parking lot all night and keep doing this’ and i did my girly drunk chuckle. I move towards my car door and he says ‘that offer still stands about staying at the house…’ and I told him I would love to, but I couldnt.

I got home at 3:15 and woke up at 6:30. Ugh.

Oh Nate had also asked me earlier in the evening if I wanted a kitten because ‘he whore cat just had six’. and i told him no but that my brother’s fiancee wanted to get one for my neice. So on Sunday I will be going to Nate’s house to look at the kittens… I really want to play with them. And I wouldn’t mind playing with Nate either 🙂