Justified

This entry is not going to be overly long… but I had to get this down.

Here goes nothing. *deep breath*

 

Tuesday night I cheated on D.

We had class in Springfield that night and I met the normal crowd (Bill, Karin, Eric, and Mike, who’s our hot teacher if I haven’t mentioned that before]) and there were others there from 5th year. Had two drinks and then myself and Eric to my car the two miles down the road to the Union hall. We sat there chatting for about 45 minutes, waiting for pizza, and as soon as it came people grabbed a piece and left. It was a nice idea, but bullshit for me to have to drive all the way out there for pizza. If it didn’t count against me, I wouldn’t have gone. And after what happened…. *sigh*

So we all went back to the bar after this pizza hiatus. Now it was, myself, Bill, Dan, Kevin (the kid everyone hates), Griff, Teach, a table of mixed years. Colin, the one that was all over me at the Christmas party, had gone Christmas shopping but told me that he was going to come hang out at the bar afterwards. So we all sat around drinking, having a good time and I went out for a cigarette. By this point, I was a little tipsy and I called Becky. I told her on the phone that I had full intent of making out with that Colin kid. I can’t even put into words how badly I wanted to just kiss someone. I can’t tell you the last time I made out with someone… cause D and I certainly have never. Can you imagine?

Anyways, kinda long story short, Colin told me he couldn’t make it back. I was kinda pissed but at the same time, a little relieved I wasn’t going to make a mistake I would end up regretting.

So by now, everyone else has thinned out and it’s just Teach and me. I was asking him a lot about his gf in Minnesota and stuff and he’s really into her, which is incredibly sweet. I guess she’s gonna be moving out here when she’s all done with school and stuff.

I go outside to have a cigarette and a couple of minutes later he comes out. Before I could even know what was happening, he pulled me in and kissed me. I didn’t even think about stopping. I placed my left hand on his cheek and tried to drunkenly hold my cigarette in the other hand. He never let up, so I threw my cigarette and wrapped my arms around him. From here on out, my memory is hazy… I remember sitting at the bar, having another drinking, kissing back and forth (the bartender yelled at us haha). Then we left. And I followed him back to his house.

I don’t remember taking my boots off. I don’t remember taking my pants off. I don’t remember the events that followed. I think he went down on me (which i wish I could remember cause it’s been about THREE YEARS). I vaguely remember doing the same for him. I remember we swtiched bedrooms. I don’t remember why. I remember he got PISSED at me and told me to get the fuck out because I kept calling him ‘D’… ouch. I was drunk, i didn’t mean it. I remember putting my pants and shoes on and him walking me to my car. I remember he was chatting with me while I was sitting in my vehicle and I kept pulling him in and kissing him.

You know what the most disgusting part is:… I feel no remorse for it.

The next day, I texted Becky and said ‘I fucked my teacher’. And later explained the whole story. The only other people that know are this kid at work, my brother’s girlfriend, and Steve at work (trust him with my life). I had been chatting with Steve via e-mail and then went and stood in his cubicle and chatted. Then like an hour later I sent him another e-mail and said, ‘Steve, I fucking cheated on D last night.’ and he said, "Took you long enough, i knew something was wrong." and i told him what i remembered. The four people that I told all had the same response: Don’t feel bad. He doesn’t fulfill your needs.

So yeah… im obviously not telling him. I’m glad I don’t have to see my teacher again until the 6th, even though everything will be cool, it will still be awkward cause I don’t want anyone else in our class, or union, to know.

So I had sent Mike a text the next morning, apologizing for being a sloppy drunk, and he said the same thing.

Today was Christmas and i didn’t feel too awkward… maybe a little but…

 

I think I more or less feel justified. Jenn, my brother’s girl, keeps saying, ‘if you feel like this then your heart and your mind already made a decision. They already know this just isn’t meant to be."

She’s right.

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December 25, 2008

Wow that’s crazy… Merry Christmas.

December 26, 2008

*huge hugs* love you.

December 27, 2008

THREE YEARS SINCE YOU RECEIVED SOME ORAL?! good god woman, you deserve to cheat for some oral! 🙂 *hug*

December 27, 2008

oh & jenn is definitely right.

December 27, 2008

I found a line and then it grew I found myself still thinking of you I felt so empty and now I’m fine But still it’s burning, when will you be mine? Too much of the same stories in our lives I think it’s time for change, don’t you? Too much of the same stories in our lives (I think it’s time for us to walk away from here) Stories in our lives, we keep them all inside Look at me still in your mind Our memories so intertwined Well you broke through and found your way And so did I no need to stay The same old picture, tried and true Been through there, let’s look for something new Do you remember lying on the beach so late at night Do you remember running through the sprinklers that night Do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you, All the songs that I have wrote for you (For you) I remember,the way you made me feel when I was with you I remember,the smile that always brought me back to you That look in your eyes, I never thought that this could be untrue The song that most reminds me of you at the moment. Its called Stories by Trapt..

December 29, 2008

I tried to come up with some of my usual wisdom here, but I don’t have enough time to come up with something really good before I leave for work. Maybe this is the first step out the door you seem to have been looking for. Hope everything else is okay.