Day 141

I found out today that “sister-cousin” was arrested last week, again, for theft. The state I live in has open records, so I was able to see that she is also being charged with resisting arrest. Thats 2 class A Misdemeanors. I feel terribly conflicted. I want her to face consequences that might ultimately push her into going to treatment; but I also feel a huge loss over our relationship and who she use to be. Its like she died and something has taken control of her body. She’s a zombie, now. I believe the stealing is just a symptom of her current mental state. She’s currently out on a signature bond, her court date is in a few days. Her mom, owi-aunt, also has a jury trial coming up for her 4th dui. I wonder if they’ll do time together in the same jail. A scary thought is that I could easily end up like either one of them if I don’t face my emotions and get my shit together.

I want to be this super productive person, with a daily routine and a set bedtime. I lack a lot of self-discipline. I know people with addictions have a predisposition, I think its pretty personality based as well. Right now its kind of hard to see the point, what with covid and the current political climate. But I don’t want to come out of it a hot mess, when things finally so start getting better again. I already have so many regrets around how I lived my life before and some of the choices I made. Now it feels as though I’m already dead and stuck in a limbo. Hindsight is 20/20.