Then I got a different view, it’s you…

I had a self realization last night as I had just finished a run. I got home and I saw our car was missing so I texted Coraline but she didn’t respond so I called her and asked where she was. She said the school. It’s down my street, it’s our shoulder to cry on, our personal escape.

So I walked down to the school to find our car sitting lonely in the darkness of the side parking lot. I ran up to the car and got in.

I sat there sweaty and felt a heaviness come over me. It was about to happen, I was building up to this for sometime now. As she sat there speaking but crying I began to feel my own sorrow rise I had been holding this in trying so hard to pretend I didn’t feel it but it had become one of those nights where we cry together talking about shit that hurts.

I reclined my seat and was wishing in this moment our car had a sunroof because the stars were so bright.

I asked her what’s wrong? She said I just feel this heaviness, I’m 25 years old, I moved here when I was 20 and what do I have to show for those 5 years? I got choked up by this because I know that at times I have felt this and I have said those exact words to her before.

There was something I said that got me started into tears, I am so quick to judge people I said to her, I am so used to thinking of people in my own way without really knowing them first. Then I said like with Rye, I don’t know why it was so hard for me to accept that’s really just who he is I told her. I know that it may be strange that I want him in my life because of everything that has happened. She said It’s not strange, you’ve always wanted him your life, so I understand. I feel like when you read his 50 questions you finally saw him as a real person. I felt tears roll down my cheek and said exactly, you’re right, I was just afraid of getting hurt so I resisted.

In all of this I began to reflect upon my past actions and judgements, it hurt to know that I do these things to myself and others.

If it’s not constant then I feel like it’s not real. Does that make sense? I said to her. She said Yes, it makes total sense. I am the same way.

I told her I am so defensive mostly because I am afraid of being abandon. Not because I’m worried of being alone but because to me being abandon means I was never valuable enough to hold onto.

Then I said you know, childhood shit and wiped my eyes and said sorry didn’t mean to turn this into one of those conversations. She said No, it’s okay, I know how you feel.

I started telling her how I tend to feel things that aren’t even there yet or may never be there. She said I know, it’s the daydreamer in us. I nodded in complete agreeance.

‘Why can’t it just be what we feel? Why does it have to be so complicated?’  I wrote in my phone after thinking about my overzealous imagination.

I said You know what I hate? I hate that I still feel something for Adam some days. She said I know I still think about Old Matt. I said that it still hurts to remember the things he said to me, "you are the worst person I think I’ve ever known…you are ugly…fat…not funny…stupid…you’ve dropped out of school…you have no future, and no one likes you…you honestly have nothing going for you" She said Yeah I know but who is to say he won’t hit a snag in his life. I said yeah like become really successful then fail and I’ll be having a really great day when it happens and I’ll know that something unfortunate is happening to him. We laughed.

I said I want to read something to you, so I read this:

"When I was younger and liked somebody.

The way that it hurt so bad.

I realized that the pain wasn’t happening anymore.

Then I was thinking about it and realized that I think the pain I was feeling is just the pain you feel when all you want to be is to be wanted.

And now I feel like that pain turned into a different pain….

the pain of being used." – Christina

I said I can relate to the first part but not so much and second.
She said Well I can, I mean, I know that when Phil and I were together we were just passing each others time if you think about it and whoever left first was the asshole.

So I said well yeah I guess I can relate to that too.

She then asked me Do you ever think that if someone else came along here that you would have pursued them over Adam? I said Maybe, I don’t know, I really thought we had a future, it’s hard to say. She said Yeah and looked off into the darkness of the field.

We sat there together for a few minutes just listening to The Strokes when she said I don’t feel any better. I still feel like shit. I said I’m sorry sister and she sighed.

She said I think I want to go home and I said I think I do too but we need to go get Father’s Day stuff. She groaned and said But I don’t want to go to wal*mart. I said let’s just get it over with it’s already 11:43pm.

So we went home got changed and went to wal*mart where we stood around the card aisle for at least an hour. She picked up a card that said things that we couldn’t really relate to so I said to her Nah, it ain’t true and she laughed at me which always makes me chuckle at myself. We ended up getting him a card that was short and sweet with a 4 piece chocolate box and the Top Gun soundtrack which he already has ha.

Tired!