I can’t hold back, though you know, I wish I could

I am absorbing these words, digesting them and I begin to question everything again. What do I really feel? What do I really want?

Keep thinking and I do.
I’m not hostile, I’m annoyed.

I feel this rotten feeling lifting inside of me, it’s in the pit of my stomach but I feel it climbing up my throat and swelling in my eyes. In this moment I feel so hurt, a feeling of great sadness but tomorrow I will rise again with clarity in my heart that this is just what it is and that’s it.

This has left me longing. I just wish things were easier with you, less complex. My heart tells me it’s sad you’re gone but that just doesn’t make sense.

Conflicted I am.

All I really wanted of you was to know what was true but I have fooled myself for you are not what I for see, you are you and that’s all but I find it hard to grasp this. No matter how I see you even through words you will always be you, just simply lovely in all your own twisted hurt that is just beneath the surface, in all your longing to be longed for, to be understood, loved and respected as you’ve always wanted that.

And beneath it all where I can see you, the real parts that are you to me, I feel for you, not pity but a strange caring. Because I did care and I do care even in all we have endured. You know just how to piss me off but you also know how to make me feel.

I still stand by what I say in saying we are not compatible. I just feel a sadness now that you’re gone but I know even if you were here I’d probably never treat you right because maybe it’s not that we’re too different but too much alike.

I just can’t help feeling like it could have been different than it always turns out but I know it’s better this way.

Radiohead – Just