Gay

I sucked my first “pee pee” when I was in second Grade. His name was Jeffrey. I was spending the night at his house. I can almost imagine the situation vividly even though that was 18 something years ago. His penis was uncircumcised, I had no idea at the time but now with my wealth of knowledge looking back on it, it explains why it looked different from mine.

I don’t know how these things start. I don’t remember instigating it, I want to say it was mutual, but I was the one doing the action, and my memory also does not remember having any reciprocation. 2nd Grade!! That’s young. I want to say that proves the whole being gay thing isn’t a choice but something your born with. I knew that it was wrong because I kept it a secret and yet I did it anyway. Hum.

I sucked 4 boys in my elementary school career. I had no idea the long term effects. After Jeffery there was AJ who we’d do it in the bathroom at recess. Then there was this other kid in 3rd grade I want to tell you his last name instead of his first name because it might make you laugh. . . Cox haha I thought so, we actually did it during story time in the corner under a table, well I didn’t actually suck him I just touched it. We did it later in the bathroom, that was when I explained masturbation to him. Before 8th grade I thought I was the only one that did it and didn’t know it had a name! haha oh to be young again and not know what’s wrong.

There was one other boy who I actually forget his name but it was out of school at a summer day care. We were at the pool one day and I was blowing him in the bathroom (that sounds so inappropriate but my memory actually remembers it being quite innocent) and he peed in my mouth!! I remember jumping in the pool after and drinking a lot of chlorinated water to get the taste out. I didn’t talk to him after that.

So then all throughout my middle school year I was called gay and it hurt my feelings. I denied it and being raised in church struggled and hated myself for my impulses trying to convince everyone that I wasn’t!! My reputation from those other boys must have followed me but I honestly can’t remember being the instigator in any of those encounters!

Middle school went on with the ridicule and I hadn’t had any other encounters with anyone. Until one Christmas I was asked to sing in church with this performing group and long story short I spent the night at this families house and they had a son who was three years younger than me. We became really good friends, and eventually after 2 years of me sleeping over at their house every weekend we became best friends.

It started innocent like it usually does, weeks of me sleeping in the top bunk and him putting his hand up through the cracks and us playing guess which body part, and then if he guessed right it would be my turn. It progressed into truth or dare and you can all imagine where that went, and the eventually it got worse.

5 years of me spending the night at his house turned into blow jobs and hook ups every weekend. Towards me getting ready to leave for college it got a little more heated. We started experimenting with anal sex. I didn’t want to be the bottom every time but he was a little bitch and we wouldn’t do anything if he didn’t get his way and I was so horny!! We’ve have had sex 6 times. I moved to college -to a small private Christian university, where I thought I could be “cured” and I was glad to be away from him because of my conflicting feelings towards it.

I’d want it so bad in the moment and then after I’d feel such remorse and regret. But wouldn’t you know it, Christmas and Thanksgiving break I’d find myself over visiting at then the family would conveniently leave us there unattended and it would lead to a quick bj before anyone got back. . . I’m weak.

Wouldn’t you know it and my college career goes on I am able to convenience everyone that I’m straight when the whole time I fight inside to not jump on some people. And low and behold I make a new best friend in college who is very closeted but honest with me about his homosexuality, and what do I do? I lie. I am so afraid of being this because I know it’s wrong that I can’t even tell him about my feelings. Our small private Christian university has a lot of guys who have this problem so it wouldn’t be anything unique, but I just didn’t want to be one of one thousand.

And then it gets harder and harder to come clean with him when he makes comments like “it’s so nice to have an actually guy friend from this school who isn’t just my friend because they want to experiment with me” Which I would have never done that, but had he offered and it had been the right time I can’t say I wouldn’t have done anything.

Now I’m a junior in college, home for Christmas break and this “ex-best friend” from back in the day is e-mailing wanting a booty call and I am so horny that there’s no telling what I’ll do. But I have this deep feeling to come clean to my gay best friend.

I know many hardcore gays will read this next part and completely disagree with me and may even be angry with me but I do believe that homosexuality is wrong. I know it’s self loathing and I am in pain I know I know I know. I want a wife and kids so bad!!!! But I still have thoughts when I see certain guys. I want so badly to just cuddle with a man, not anything sexual just to be held, it would be nice.

Sometimes this feels like an FML but in reality My life is average.