I don’t think I’ll make it to 20
It’s four in the morning and I can’t sleep because I’m drafting my suicide notes in my head. I’m creating the playlist of songs I want to hear one last time. I’m thinking of where I’ll jump. I turn 20 in about a month and I can’t see myself making it. I don’t want to make it. I want to be frozen in time. I’m alone. The people in my life don’t need me. They’ll move on. I’ll be a bad memory. Something they’ll talk about to their future friends or their kids in passing. That one kid at college who jumped off a bridge. That’s all I’ll be. I can’t see myself being anything else. The only thing that’s stopping me is knowing that my best friend will hurt, for a little while. She has other people who will mend her but she will grieve me. And that hurts. I’m so scared of dying but I think living scares me more.
I want to tell you that it gets better, but it’s not fair for me to say this to you without knowing what you’re going through.
What I will say is that you get through it. Whatever it is. It messes your entire life and it turns everything inside out. Often you could even wish you weren’t here to see it happening, but afterwards, you come out on the other side.
Have you considered speaking to someone? You should. Give yourself the chance to try every avenue… Life is so difficult and you should never have to deal with these thoughts and emotions on your own.
There’s a book that’s very special to me, it’s called “All the bright places” – (Don’t watch the series on Netflix, it’s very disappointing). The book is beautiful and if you’re not much of a reader.. just google the quotes from the book…
I really hope that things change for you…
Warning Comment
I tried to commit suicide at 21. I felt the same way as you. I felt I was a burden to those I loved and that there was no hope of things getting better. By luck, I survived. I’m now 39 and I’m so glad I didn’t die. Life is still hard at times…. but I think about all the people I would have never met (my kids being top of the list, along with my 2 best friend) and all the music, books and movies I would never have discovered… and all the concerts and adventures I would have missed. You have a lot time to be dead once you’re dead. You might as well stay alive to see what happens….
Warning Comment
Do you feel the same now as you did at 10? I promise, that in another 10 years, you’ll be in a different place. Young brains don’t fully mature until age 25. People do care, but most everyone is simply going about their lives, not deliberately ignoring you or your needs. It’s a cliche, but it does get better.
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Please stay.
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