[Entry] Big Mistake.

Big Mistake #1: Call me stupid, and call me dumb, but I let Cory read the last entry.
        To be honest, I just wanted to show him my heart I made out of text,
                          but it turned into him holding me down to read it.

I looked at his face in terror, really not wanting him to read any further, I could see his smile slowly fade.
   The feeling I was trying to avoid swept over me. Selfishness arised in my bones.
As much as I tried to keep it from him, deep down I really wanted him to read it.
                                        To finally see what I’ve been hiding, locked away in my heart for the past few months.
 

Safely kept inside, without a soul in the world to touch it, now it has every ones dirty fingerprints.
After reading it he got up to hug me, quietly saying, "Okay."
"Okay what, exactly?" Feeling remorse, selfishness and relief.
Mostly remorse, and selfishness.
"I’ll work. If it means being with you, I’d do anything."
My smile faded and relief turned into straight out guilt.
"No, no, no, no! Just because you read that- I don’t-…argh, just do
what you need to do Cory, I’m a strong person and so are you.
I don’t want you to live for me, please, forget you read that."
 

He gave me the look of ‘yeah right.’
I knew he would.. but as time lingered on we talked for a little while.

I told him I want him to do what he’s going to be happy with, and he said he would think about it.
He’s always out to please people, and that’s why I’m so scared.
I don’t want him to be unhappy in anyway, what happened to selfless me?
I feel so

                      terrible.

Big Mistake #2: So, we all do bad things right?We’ve all snooped, prodded to find out more…
even if it would make us die a little inside just to know.
Even if it was just the past.
I’ve died inside a lot…I should just stop poking at whats already dead.
Start focusing on whats alive.
                                I shall no longer poke at the dead parts,
                                      I shall look at whats real.
                                        Its the only thing left that I got to feel.

Hoorah for my big mistakes.

 

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