on days like this…..

On days like this….Where I don’t want to do anything, the kids are playing good together, and its such a beautiful sunny warm day with the windows wide open, and I sit inside just staring outside, I feel like I wasted a day because I sit here doing nothing. I don’t feel happy nor sad. I just feel nothing….maybe a little relaxed. I hate wasting days our days in life are numbered and you have no idea when it will all end.

I love being home with my children, they may drive me crazy and I may drive myself crazy being home everyday. My son is going to be starting school this fall, ahhh!!! Where we are moving he already knows some of the kids out there that are his age so that’s good. My biggest fear in life is losing my children, or dying before i get to see them grow up to see who they become. I try to live everyday like it would be my last, and maybe that is part of the reason i choose to stay home with them too because if it were to be my last day i would want to be with my children. That is why on days like this i feel like it was a waste to sit here doing nothing.

I feel like i have to much time to think right now, and this weather brings me back to the past, I dont know why, I think some of the best and worst things have happened to me in the summertime. For example, I married my first love in the summer and lost my second love to someone else another summer (might not make sense to you but i know what i am talking about) no shit the same month i got married just not the same year. both my children were born in the summer, both in the same month One born July 14 the other July 18 not the same year though 2 years apart. one of the best trips and experiance I had was during the summer, went on a canoe trip up in minn. very close to canada with a church group(when i was made to go to church) I loved the canoeing and camping (actual camping tent, fire that kind of thing) It was the best two weeks, i was going into 9th grade that summer, i made out with two guys their, one was a counselor lol, and the other one was a guy who was in my group, he thought he was in love with me and he thought we were a couple, oops didn’t know that, he told me he loved me and I told him i couldn’t say it back to him. I never heard from him again after that. Then there was that summer when i was maybe 4 or 5 when i waited for my real dad on the front porch and he never showed up. ok enough of this fucking crap! i need to put my daughter down for a nap! oh and now a song from my all time favorite singer! Enjoy!