Where Is My Mind?

There’s not much in my world at the moment. 
Not much that I want to do, that I want to get done.

It won’t take too much time before I get better but…

For now, it’s just… ugh.

I don’t even have interest in this journal at the moment except to get all of this SHIT out of my head.  I don’t care if anyone reads this or even fucking cares.  My thoughts are swimming, like when you keep poking a puddle in many different places, just to see how many ripples you can make.
That’s what my brain feels like.  There’s so many ripples, and they cross over and over again.  Inseparable.

He texted me wanting to know how I was doing last night and I couldn’t even tell.  So he called… but I couldn’t find anything to say.  Anything at all.
So I left.
Maybe tonight I can be mature enough to have a conversation.  O.o

Taking the sorry condition of my feet completely of context, I would never be able to leave to be on a cruise.
Fuck that.  Fuck leaving him for a year.

I wasn’t strong enough to leave when I should have. 
I’m super upset.  As a matter of fact, I’m ANGRY.  I don’t know who I’m angry AT… me or him… but I’m definitely angry.
But most of all…
He was happy when he was here.  He was actually HAPPY.  Christ, when the boy smiles his entire face lights up.  And he’s not happy when he’s in the Corps. 
I can handle Kelly leaving.  I’m not THAT possessive…  but he gets so fucking depressed when he’s over there.  
That’s all I want… for him to be happy.
And it makes me upset that he’s not happy.  FURIOUS, even.
I’m supposed to hold it down for him. 

Yesterday I alternated between tears and this absurd realization of how absolutely gorgeous the world is.   
Until evening, I kept looking out to the driveway.  Like if I really, REALLY tried… I could somehow make him appear in my driveway.

Needless to say, it didn’t work.  :/

The last news I heard from him… in two weeks the process to separate him from the USMC begins.
He’s happy but of course, he’s not happy at all.  Just like the majority of the world at this age… he has no idea what to do now… especially since he can’t do what he originally wanted to.
He wants to stay in southern California.

I wish I could say, "Hey, Kells, I’m gonna move in with you."
But I, too, have no idea what I’m doin.

So many unusual emotions… 
And for someone who is used to shoving emotions under rugs and filing them in random cabinets… this is awfully overwhelming.

-INMATE-