Therapy Session- Beginning of my evolution
I’m redefining who I am as an individual and as a compliment to another person.
It’s really strange… I’ve been so strongly independent and so focused on myself for the longest time…
I mean, I do have the handful of homies that are integral in my life but this is different.
Being with Craven is forcing me to open my eyes, search for what I want in life- things that aren’t so readily seen.
I can’t make this make sense. You know?
All I know is that I’m seeing our relationship into the future. Not just the present (where I tend to find myself) or the past but the future. I see us twenty years into the future, married, house and all, maybe even some kids (and I hate kids. The idea of pregnancy absolutely repulses me but… for some reason…), even though if two people should NOT have kids… it would be us. Nightmare children. XD
ANYWAY. On a note that makes sense. My list of things to do is getting ridiculous.
At the same time, my parents are getting REALLY bitchy and since I don’t have a car… fucking HELL.
I’ve been so about to flip out at home. It seems as if every time I get a moment to breathe, my parents pile on more shit for me to do.
They woke me up a few nights ago, my dad was drunk off his ass and he was screaming at my mother that she needs to get her problems fixed. They were still at it 30 minutes later; I’m still wide awake and I hear, "If you hit me one more time I’m going to break your fucking head off!" I’d had a migraine that night, so I was real messed up when I awoke. And then we went to my grandparents and, like usual, it was up to me to ease relations between all of my family. Pretend it’s all okay.
I am so sick of being the buffer. It’s gotten to the point where I dread time alone with my dad. I need to leave home now but I gave my dad all my money so they don’t have to live in the streets.
And they try to pretend everything is normal when that night they woke me up things have just gone to shit.
I am so sick of being yelled at.
Craven and Jeana were over yesterday because my mom refused to let me get out of the house and I did chores most of the day. It ended up okay but I’m just so stressed.
Jeana’s leaving out of town for the next few weeks tomorrow.
I have Craven (and he even bought his car now, lol, so he can take me places) but everytime I do something with him I face my parents disapproval and grumpy shit because they don’t like us dating.
Thank God for Craven’s stubborness. All of this barely fazes him and I know he’s there for me if I need to talk.
Knowing he’s there is a big help but I don’t know how to talk about my feelings. That’s why this journal is so therapeutic for me…
Ok, I have four more hours of classes. I have 9 hour days again this week. Thank goodness!!
Oh, I had the first person tell me I was skinny a few days ago. She’s pretty new to me so it was nifty. : ) She then proceeded to slap my ass and gasp, "AND it’s all muscle!!" You can tell she was definitely a dancer.
(No bubbles, heh heh heh)
† INMATE †
Wearing:: Gray cut off sweatpants, light pink halter top
Feeling:: Content. Hungry.
Last ate:: Leftover omelette from IHOP
Sounds like you need to move :] <3
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I hate it when I used to live at home and my parents would fight and drink and fight and drink and then ignore each other and then pretend everything was “just fine.” Blech. Too much toxic energy.
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*hugs* I’ve been there. Hell, I’m still there, hearing them all vent their bile and being expected to keep it all together without going crazy. I think you’re doing a phenomenal job, and Craven is definitely proving himself as a really good guy. I hope your resolve holds out until you find a place of your own.
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*returns the magickal vacation favour* 😛
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Man, Im sadly too old to be living at home, I’ve been holding my tongue for many years since when I was 18 I threatened to belt the ol’Lady (not cool I know, but that was then) Maybe you should be cruel to be kind, cut ties for a bit & let the old’s sort their sh*t out. I think its awesome you’ve happy with thingy (Ive forgotten his name sorry)
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but make sure you’re not running into his arms just coz home isnt so fresh. You seem to have your head screwed on, but Ive seen it 100’s of times…
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Yes, I do swim year round. I started about 5 years ago and have switched teams once to stay with the same coach. Sorry it took me so long to respond to your note. I’ve been busy, you know, slacking away the summer. I promise I will catch up at some point.
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RYN1: Yeah, come on Texas, you MUST have an opinion about this. =) RYN2: Don’t worry, the SW LEGOs are well represented in my house. B-Wing, A-Wing, Tydirium shuttle, Slave I, Jedi starfighter, Hailfire droid, battle droid and super battle droid, a small army of mini-starfighters, Death Star II, Star Destroyer… Oh, and soon… YODA. =)
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Hmm, I wonder if she liked you a little more than dancing. 😉 Sorry to hear about the home issues, I doubt things will get any better until you move out. It sounds like you’ll always have to be close by to make sure your parents are well off, but you need your own space. Maybe Craven & you will be able to get a place. That would be a start. They may not like you going with him because they might
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feel him taking you from them. It may scare the heck out of them if you do as much as you have hinted at in your diary. I feel bad for you hun. You gotta remember family is everything, but you do have a life to live, too. I wish you all the best at balancing this. It can not be easy. Not when you are the rock of the family. Be strong & do know sometimes you have to make tough decisions for your
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own good, health, peace of mind, sanity & future. 😉 ryn: So have you wasted enough time to fuel the millions in your city? lol. ryn2: Cookies gave me satisfaction. Especially when I make a good batch. I appreciate the taste they gave me. I love talking with you & appreciate your time & notes. I might have to put you on even par. lol. But if I met a woman who would give me satifaction & appreci
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appreciation in the form of love & sex, then you & the cookies would have to get in line. lmao. Sorry. I have needs, too. lol. But you & cookies are tied, tho. 😉 Just keep in good touch. You don’t want them to get ahead. 😀 Cubs & Sox, I hope you mean special in the nicest way & not as in retarded. lol. How do you know I’m not old & senile? I appreciate you disputing that, even if it’s true. 😉
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Nascar in person or on tv, not my cup of tea. 😉 And guy/girl stuff? I dunno. Is it even worth it or worth figuring out if the girl is naturally that way->bitchy or just her time of the month? lol. I think I lost my best chance a long time ago. Once you leave your teens or miss young love opportunities, good luck trying to gain later life trust. I firmly believe it’s not there for old men like me
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ididnt enjoy that black guy.he just seemed out of the movie.
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I hate it when people do that. Same shit here; the second I sit down, someone asks me to get them something. Get off youir fat fvcking ass and get it yourself, douchefvck! Imma bust ya ass! XD Whatever. How you been, dahling? <3
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