The story of my decline.
My delay in entries seems to be getting greater. Ugh. Well, this is a matter-of-fact entry that is NO bueno. But I need to write it anyway. Hopefully this will be the last entry regarding this shit, whether or not I’m still dealing with it in the future. Because it’s stupid and it makes me angry.
ANYWAY.
What happened… is that I starved my body. During the time I was losing weight, the amount of exercise I underwent increased AMAZINGLY.
I didn’t take that into account. So, my body was saying, "Fuck you, fuck you, feed me" and I ignored it.
NOW, my body has gone completely lunatic as it is wanting the food it’s been denied so long. (And since my activity seems to only be increasing with my elevated ADHD…)
For a year or so, I’d been so focused on consuming the correct amount of calories, writing them down, etc it was total OCD.
Now, I eat so much I can hardly keep track let alone figure out any sort of diet plan.
Big, wide open door for the bulimia.
It’s really not that difficult to figure out HOW I got here. (Once I finally accepted the fact that I had a problem and I needed to deal with it.)
The hard part is now figuring out how to change my thought process to correclty acclamate positive change.
I don’t know what indicates mild or severe bulimia (I am definitely at 1-2 times daily) but I’m seeing blood now. It has now been almost 3 months since I started this shit.
I’m destroying myself, yes. Still, I can’t seem to stop. It’s not getting any better.
Only Jeana knows about it. I haven’t been able to tell anyone else. And I told her only because I was supposed to teach a class and I couldn’t even walk into the studio- I’d been crying in the parking lot.
Blech. Such a stupid condition.
I’ll write a postive entry about Christmas in a little while though. Christmas was good. Hope y’alls was better. : )
† INMATE
Wearing:: Blue jeans, Vans, a black bra, and a Pony jacket. I don’t know where my shirt went. o.o
Listening to:: Jay Leno on the TV.
*Hugs* You need to take care of yourself girly, blood is a bad thing!!!
Warning Comment
I know I’ve mentioned seeing someone who can help you through this time before, but I’m going to mention it again. This is a big issue, and I think you could really benefit from getting some professional help with it. It’s scary and I know you don’t want to talk about it. I wouldn’t either. More than that, though, I know that you know that it’s getting more and more serious as time goes by. Please know I love you and want the very best for you. Be gentle with yourself and take good care of yourself.
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for real blood is bad. i’m glad you had agood christmas. keep safe my dear. you need support not a lescture.
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huggles…i’m sorry this is happening to you.
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meep! *hugs* I’m sure you’ll figure things out and stuff will get better. You seem like a really strong person, and at least you KNOW it’s a problem
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*hugs* I’m glad Christmas went well for you, and I hope you feel better! I really think you should talk to someone, but that’s up to you. feel better! Take it one step at a time.
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I’ve been sitting here infront of the note box, trying to figure out what to say. I wanna say you’re so active your body will use whatever you put in it well, but I wonder if you’ll hear any nutrition advice. Besides, eating disorders are not about food. They’re a way to control SOMETHING in your life.
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Something to keep in mind as I sit here with a stomach flu—-> Not being able to keep anything down VOLUNTARILY? SUCKS. Big time. So go get yourself a stomach flu & your prospects could change on not eating or rather not being ABLE to eat. But seriously, be careful. As you get older, we all have to change our diets. You have to figure out what works for you & stay on that path. Good Luck.
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Remember your buds, even the online ones, worry about you. Take Care of yourself. After all, if you don’t, who is going to??????? It’s hard sometimes & everyone is different, but you have to take care of your body & it will take care of you—> remember that, kiddo. 😉 {X}
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