The Preservation of Loss.

Time:: 11:03 pm
Listening to::  ‘Thru the Rain’ by Marz.  
Wearing:: Black w/ red side arrows pants and a gray short sleeved shirt that says "Dancer- Tremaine"
Woke up:: 8:26 am. 
Last ate::  Beef, potato, broccoli, and bread.  -Supper!

So… I finally realized what has been happening with me lately and the way my mind has been working.  Greg was over and he wanted to chill later on tonight, middle of the night and… I couldn’t.  I found myself just saying No, No, No!!  I’ve had the opportunity to do so multiple times in my life, and one of them with a man I loved more than life itself.  If I refused to work with him, there’s no way I’d work with Greg.  And you know why?  Because I’m protecting what I had with this other guy.  And while I’m still burning from the loss (while swearing I’m over it), apparently I’m still doing everything I can to protect it.  That’s fine with me, because I think that should be sacred.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think anybody should ever touch on that ever again.  But that doesn’t mean I have to hurt other people to save it.  Especially when it hurt me so bad in the end.
It pisses me off that I have to have feelings.  The beauty about myself and the beauty about my job is that I don’t get close to people.  It’s a learned skill, yes, but it’s been worthwhile.  I’m close to two people, and still reeling more or less from the loss of that one.  We’re still close, but I’m trying to distance myself. 
It doesn’t do for me to have emotional baggage.  It just doesn’t work.  You get too tied up, and then what YOU want to do is clouded.  And when it’s all over, and you’re nothing but a bunch of ashes floating around the streets, well… all that matters is what you did, and what you helped other people accomplish.  It doesn’t matter what you felt, what you cared about, what you didn’t…
It’s gonna pass. 
Everything passes. 
Life, death, love. 
It all passes.

–INMATE–