The dinner.

Saturday I gained back several pounds-
My ex was/IS on leave and was/IS here. 
Haven’t seen him since before he was shipped out to Iraq what, two years ago?

He was on leave once and saw Jeana.  Refused to see me.  Bad, bad juju.  Much anger there.  Much hostility, much raw emotion.
We never solved anything in our relationship- there was no end, no finality.

We planned to get married (despite doubts about our very different career paths); he went to Iraq, came back and got married to another girl.

Ooooookay. 
But anyway, haven’t seen him since- until Saturday night at Applebee’s.  He waylayed Jeana as she tried making plans with him… and I said, "No.  Give me the phone."  Jeana gave me the phone and I called him and we arranged a time to eat together.
You know, to catch up.  To chill.  To make sure he still had all of his fingers and toes and limbs. 
For us to solve all of the unresolved.

At the designated time, Jeana and I pulled into Applebee’s parking lot and Randy and I called each other simultaneously.  He said he was already seated.
Jeana and I walked up to the door and as I’m opening it, Jeana slams the door on me.  "He’s with his MOTHER," she says slowly, disbelieving her own eyes, her own words, "and his WIFE."

((Now, I have nothing against his wife- in fact, I’ve heard she’s really sweet.  I have never met her although I have talked to her once. 
It’s just that, you know, she kind of wound up with my man.))

I’d merely shrugged and walked in, despite Jeana’s unspoken, "We don’t have to do this."

And I sat down across from Randy, next to his mother.  Diagonally across from me was his wife, and Jeana was at my left at the end of the table.

For the first fifteen minutes I couldn’t even look at Randy.  It was so incredibly awkward.
But inside of me, I knew… there he was.  No bullshitting, no games… there he was.  He was alive, kickin’, and still had all his fingers and toes.
It was such a beautiful feeling, just seeing him again.  But I couldn’t tell him that.  I couldn’t even tell him that I’d missed his company.  Hell, I couldn’t even bid him a personal farewell as casual as, "Bye Randy!"

And what with his wife and mother sitting there, NO issues were resolved.  As a matter of fact, Randy and I nearly got into a yelling match several times. 
Remember me talking about raw emotion?  Yea… that was a good example of that.

I understand that Randy married because me and him wouldn’t have worked out.  He did what he had to do.  He’s 22… I suppose he felt like the world was passing him by or something.
Sometimes not all the love in the world can make things right, you know?
We’d just been through so much.  Faced too much together, I guess. 

It separated us.  Katie barely even knows my name even though Randy and I basically consider each other best friends.

I’m a secret… and Saturday, I was hidden in plain view.  Except the way I found Katie looking at me, I knew she knew we had a past. 

It was the way Randy looks at me.  It was so painfully familiar, that familiar quirky grin that used to infuriate me…
And God knows, when I was finally able to look at him in the eyes (more or less), I don’t think I stopped staring. 
We had silent conversations that I wish I understood but like so much of our relationship, I’ll never know.

So of course Katie knew we had a past.

How awkward.
AWKWARD MOOSE!  ::sticks one hand on head::

Egads.  What’s worse – or better, I don’t even know – is that was the only time I’m gonna see him.  I’ve seen him once in 3-4 years. 

Yet I did see him last night… 
Over dinner at Applebee’s, my plate of Grilled Italian Chicken Ceasar Salad, his plate of steak of ribs. 
His wife, practically silent and brooding at his side, and his mother, who disapproved of Randy and I dating all those years ago.

Randy, Jeana and I were so obviously nervous.  With me not making eye contact and stuttering over my words; with Jeana quietly hitting me under the table, her legs bouncing up and down; with Randy misintroducing his wife and throwing his fork and its contents onto the floor halfway through the dinner.
We were a mess.

It was kinda funny.  Old times… good memories.  At least I have those. 

At dinner, Jeana had reminded me that we needed to stop at Albertson’s before we went home.
We ran into Randy (and his wife) at Albertson’s- same aisle and everythin’.   
Don’t tell me that’s accidental when we called each other on the phone at exactly the same time not two and a half hours prior.

SIGH.

I’ve been waiting for an e-mail, a phone call… ANYTHING. 
And of course, nothing.  Nothing at all…
I wish I could see him once more before he leaves…
So bad. 
I just want to give him a hug.  Really… I think I’d weep but… I just…
Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK!?

I KNOW there are things that need to be said, we just need time to get them out and then things will be so much better.
But I’ll never have the chance and instead nurse an open wound for the rest of my life.

You know, I’d accepted not ever seeing Randy again.  I’d accepted that open wound.
And then I DID see him… and my impulsive Aries goes ahead and winds up tearing her heart apart again. 
I should’ve known it was coming. 

Maybe I did.  Probably why I’ve gained weight again. 
(A few pounds, nothing that I can’t shed in a week or so but STILL.  Doesn’t help my self esteem any.)

†   INMATE   †

Wearing::  Dark gray/maroon/white basketball pants, black WCDE long sleeved tee, black and white blanket.
Last ate::  Salsa, eggs, cheese, tortilla chips and pepperoni.
Feeling::  For the most part, I’ve shut myself off.  The whole bawling my eyes out part will come in a few days once the emergency apathy shuts itself off…