Rainbow ramblings.

I build paths.  From my own mind, out to others. 

Bunches of them.  There are trails coming from me, going everywhere.  Yellow, red, white, aqua… like many streams of consciousness…

Usually, they meet a dead end.  My little feelers come back from probing others, empty handed, and I lock myself up again.

Many of my feelers are probably green with fear, some of them are black because I have already given up on receiving any sort of emotion from the other person. 

One day, I’m going to find someone who I can actually connect with.

Anyone.  A random person on the street.  I don’t care.  Green meets green, black meets black, purple/red meets their twin.
The few people I connect with, I connected with at least 5 years ago.  Maybe it’s totally my fault- after everything I went through in the past, I’ve turned all my feelers black.  Maybe it is.  I don’t know anymore. 

Sometimes I think it’s a shame.  I lay myself out on these paths I’ve built and no one realizes that I am sitting there, practically naked, just waiting for someone to step up and say, "Oh.  Hey.  That’s what it’s about." 

That’s it.  All it takes are a few simple questions.  Or, I mean, maybe even a random, "You look pretty today."  That’s always nice.  Instead of just getting griped and bitched at. 

When you’re a teacher figure, you’re looked at differently.  I’m not old enough to trade juicy gossip with the parents (ICK), nor even old enough really to commune with the other teachers who all have husbands and babies (all they talk about, yes?).  And the kids… well, they’re young yet and that’s breaching authority/student protocol.  Y’know?

Whatever.  I’ll keep building my little roads.  No big.  They’re full of colors, thoughts, hopes and dreams.  They’re quite pretty, actually.

I just wish that a few people knew who I am inside.  There’s just a few people who can look at me, the perpetually happy/hyper one, and see what’s underneath. 

I don’t want them to have to ask… and I think that’s selfish of me.  But even so, I want them to recognize all that I hide and all that I’ve buried.  They don’t have to know exactly what I’ve gone through to respect my past and myself.

I’m completely rambling… I’ve basically gone off the deep end.  I’ll be back eventually. 

It is a long road ahead of me to recovery.  I know that.  Jeana is behind me though, I know that now. 
She said things that were so, so true.  Since they were so true, it released this amazing weight off of my chest. 
She said that no matter what, she would be there.  A phone call away.  Every five minutes, if I needed.

INMATE

Wearing:: Khaki shorts with orange accents,white tank, white sweatshirt.
Feeling::  Rather nauseated and miserable.