One of those Inmate moments…

     Fool, there’s just times…  
     It’s so weird.  I don’t even know what I’m thinking about, but my brain is going excess of a hundred miles per hour.  Maybe these are what people call epiphanies, but I can really say that I don’t understand what they mean.  It’s like all of a sudden my brain is uploading data files on life.  Despite my beliefs, my heart feels that everything happens for a reason.  There is a lesson to be learned from everything in life, and… I don’t think anyone has learned them all.  All experiences cannot happen to everyone, and this is why there is humanity, and the differences between us to make us unique.  It’s all to learn from everyone else.  The human race is a giant jigsaw puzzle.  You learn as much from as many different people as you can, and then you begin to put together life’s meaning.  If you look at the big picture… things start falling into place a little better.  In these visions I got… I don’t know if they’re a godsend or not.  I’m probably some alien experiment, and right now theyr’e just pressing this little button while the display screen is flashing OVERLOAD OVERLOAD, STOP TOUCHING THE FUCKING BUTTON, OVER LOAD…
      But if I didn’t have little moments like these, I wouldn’t be able to accept my past, and what I’ve done and what’s been done to me, and what I’ve done to myself.  I wouldn’t be able to accept it.  I argue with myself daily over how "Everything happens for a reason" is an excuse for teh weak and laziness.  But… I just don’t know. 
      I don’t know if you’ve ever laid awake in bed at times and just thought, ‘I want to know what it feels like to fall asleep.  Does it hurt?  Does it feel good?’  And you KNOW you won’t remember it when you wake up in the morning, and no one will remember what it feels like.  But it HAPPENS to you, so why can’t you REMEMBER it, and it just drives you UP THE WALL, because theree’s nothing you can do about it. 
      I met one of my old friends today, and that’s what brought this on.  It was just so… strange in a way.  I hadn’t seen him for three and a half years, and the last time I’d seen him, we’d liked each other but it just… wasn’t right, I guess.  And I tried to tell Jeana, but she just said, "You must really want a boyfriend, don’t you?"  I shut up, but… it was such an impact on my life, that I could feel something for a person I hadn’t seen in YEARS.  But then again, I am always the one who quotes, "One never stops loving- once you love, the feeling is eternal."  And the more people that feel that love, the better, because that’s what’s going to make the world a better place.  But I am such an example of that quote.  Once I have something, or have had something, I hold on to it.  I try to protect it.  I can almost be controlling, because I have such a desire to protect this thing or person or whatever.  I guess I’m scared of losing what I have, I’m scared of losing my humanity. 
      My dreams tell me that all the time.  I’m so scared of losing things.  I don’t care what I personally lose, but it’s what my homies lose that bothers me.  So I will do anything to prevent it, and not tell anyone what I’d done.  I’d hole it up inside, forever, locked in with my loyalty.
      It all sort of clicked when we kissed today, and that was the lesson my old friend gave me in this world.  The lesson that it’s okay to love, and it’s okay to love forever, but you still might have to let go of some things (or feelings) in order to move on.  You can’t sacrifice yourself to solve all of the little problems in the world, because sometimes, the world just doesn’t what you have to offer…

      Fucking aliens.

-INMATE