Not much better but I got a good grip.

Thank God It’s Friday. 

It’s pretty outside.  I’m going to go for another walk after I write up a bit. 

I was on the phone with him last night until he fell asleep.  He’d called me at 1245 and we were there for two hours.  I was strong for him, the whole time.  Even when he told me that he’d see me again when it was MY time.  That he would always be with me and look after me.  But there was no way that he could wake up another day in pain that an entire bottle of pills can barely make manageable. 

I asked him what he expected me to tell his mom, who is ecstatic that we’re finally together, when she has to call me and say that they found him dead… I asked Kells straight out:  "What am I supposed to tell her?"
"I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t keep him alive for a few more weeks.  I not only failed/fucked up but I lost your first born son and the love of my life in the process." 
I couldn’t face her if I knew that I had let him go.  I couldn’t face myself if I gave up on him.

After he’d fallen asleep (which is a blessing all in itself since he doesn’t sleep well anymore either)… I’d finally been able to hang up the phone.  It was only then that I cried. 

He’s getting worse, physically and mentally, and anything that happens now has to come from him.  But he just doesn’t want to care anymore. 
I’m holding on so hard.  We’re going to make it day by day if we have to. 
He makes me human. 

But in the back of my mind… I just can’t IMAGINE why this is happening.  I’m continually struck by the brutal unfairness of it all.

I woke up this morning and when I looked in the mirror, I swear I aged at least 5 years.

When he’s bad… he’ll keep insisting that he’s not SUPPOSED to be happy.  It infuriates me because that’s total bullshit.  He deserves to be happy. 
Frankly, so do I. 

He just sent me a text… "PS I LOVE YOU!" 
Inside joke. 
It’s the little things that get me through the day and a lot of those little things are because of him.  A lot of those little things have ALWAYS come from him.  Even back in the day when we used to sit together on the middle school bus and listen to ICP with little portable speakers.

He texted me when he woke up this morning, at around 0600.  I’d read it and almost started crying all over again because I knew he was still there.  I meant to text him back but fell asleep, cradling my phone.  I got two more texts from him before I finally rolled out of bed at 0900… both of them him making sure I was okay after what he’d put me through. 

I get so confused when people ask me if I’m okay. 
If I weren’t okay… what would I do?  So of course I’m okay. 

I’m at that point where I can’t believe things are so unfair and so shitty… but just because things are the way they are… I value every single moment I have. 
Every moment is precious. 
Because, once again, I’m reminded that every breath, every smile, is a gift. 

†  INMATE