Males & My Insecurities.

CURRENTLY- Friday 10:10 pm::
Wearing: Baggy black parachute pants, red DKNY jeans athletic top & black and red Pony jacket
Listening to: New York by Ja Rule
Woke up at: 6:38 am

I graduate in four more school days, three of which are half days.  …Gezis christ!  It’s really soon. 
And Nathan almost got under my skin today again… he was talking shit about his girlfriend because she was wearing a red shirt.  He refused to touch her because she was wearing red and made her go change.  I just ignored him.  It’s not worth my time, I’m not his babysitter.
So… I still haven’t e-mailed Randy… and he hasn’t bothered to e-mail back.  It hurts a little bit, but… nothing I can’t handle.  It’s been a lot worse. 
I haven’t even cried for… weeks.  But that means nothing except for that I’ve gotten used to that nagging little ache in my chest.
Sheldon is still my hero, though he hasn’t called in a while.  I’ve decided that we’re going to do a dance together, no matter what it takes and how long it takes and where we have to compete it, but we’re going to do it.  I just haven’t had the chance to tell him.  Damn, I wish I had long distance!!!!
Umm… Greg… I was wanting to apologize a little bit to him because I keep putting him off… but I can’t find the heart to.  I don’t know what’s going on with him and me.  He likes me, and I like him, I know I do, but maybe it’s just sexual.  But I think it’s almost something more than that, and I haven’t had "something more than that" for a long ass time, so I’m scared to talk to him about it and it not be real.  It’s just insecurities.  So, I’ve been thinking about this and then a guy named Kyle comes out of his shell and starts on to me.  Now, I never really thought of him before as datable type, he was a friend.  When I think of guys that are datable, I think of sex appeal- it’s not really how cute they are, but it’s definitely sex appeal.  I’m just horny like that, I guess, and he doesn’t appeal to me that way.  Especially now when I’ve got issues and I’m really horny (Is this why I want to get back with Greg?).  Anyway, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t go with Kyle for a while and see how that goes, but… I just don’t think so.  There’s just something… off about it.  It’s not necessarily his fault even, it’s just… off.  I feel like right now if I do go out with someone, it needs to be someone I know.  I don’t want to try to go out with someone new… (I have gone out with Greg before.) 
It’s just kind of awkward. 
I say vehemently that I’ve gotten over Randy… that he doesn’t really matter to me anymore, but I still love him.  God knows that, and He knows that I always will love him.  Maybe not with my whole heart, but with most of it.  And… I don’t know.  I can’t seem to date anyone.  At all.  I can talk, and I can be comfortable, and I can chill, and I can make out and shit but… I can’t move on.  I want to, honestly, I do!  I want to move on, because I understand that Randy will always be a part of me, but I don’t think I can.  I’m going to need someone really special to get me out of it.  And it’s going to be hard because (not being conceited, just being real) I’m pretty.  Guys will be after me for the way I look, not to help me with my fucking problems other people have left in my lap.  I’m a pretty good judge of character when it comes to that male mindset, however I don’t trust myself with other guys.  I don’t want to date but I want to do stuff… not only to forget, but to remember.

-INMATE-