Long and pain-filled… don’t read…

We had about fifteen trick-or-treaters this year.  I think it’s a lost art. 

I got really down and mopey tonight… another relapse I’m guessing.  I don’t want to write but I feel I should…
I just feel ridiculous complaining about myself even in a diary that’s supposed to be my own.
I know so many people are worse off than I am… talking about what’s wrong with me never seems right. 

::sighs deeply::  But I guess I better start talkin’ about it because this shit’s been happening way too often.
And the last time I tried to hide too many feelings behind my happy mask I turned skitz.

Let’s start with this- my dad got laid off work from 9/11.  He’d been laid off a couple times before in my life but this one he’s never recovered from.  He’s drinking more and more and now he can’t ever seem to get away from the computer and when he does he is usually in a pissy mood. 
So NOT fun.

Moving right along.  My dad has been the sole provider for my family throughout most of our years and we always did well.  We were never in need and had extra things- a nice house in a nice part of town (mostly).  

But my dad’s been laid off for 5 years and was laid off even after we were struggling a bit from the lay-off before that. 

Now we have nothing.  We have a great house in a great neighborhood.  But we have no money to our name. 
My mom’s started work and gets paid $7 an hour to support her and my dad.  I try, with my four hour a week job, to pay for myself. 

All of my friends have left home, are living by themselves, and/or in college. 

I am 18 years old, have always been the mature one.  The leader, the responsible one.  The one everyone said would be the successful one.

And I’m fucking stuck at home.  I’m saving money as I have been for the past fuckin five years- almost everything I have goes into savings or to help out my parents.  I can’t drive because I can’t afford insurance let alone a car.  I don’t even have a cell phone.  I couldn’t afford to go to college- I’m not eligible for any scholarships, not because of grades but for other reasons.

I’m having a traumatic social life right now on top of it.  I am avoiding going out in public.  Mostly it’s because I have to depend on my parents to take me EVERYWHERE (well, my mom… because my dad refuses to do shit) because all my friends have left me. 
Don’t get me wrong… I love my parents to death.  But I’m 18.  I could be living by myself right now.  One of my friends is engaged for Christ’s sake.  I’m not a little kid anymore.  I should be going to the store by myself, to the bank.  I should have my own savings account.

But I don’t.  One of my old friends was having a party tonight and she wanted me to come.  I told her I couldn’t- because i had to work.  Which was true, but I could have been there at 8 oclock.  I just didn’t want to- I couldn’t handle the social scene.  Almost all of my homies go clubbing every weekend.  I refuse to go because I’m scared to death. 

And I don’t know what the fuck is up with THAT shit… but I do know that I’m upset that I’m not financially better off. 

I see kids all the time getting cars for their 15th birthday and they’ve been driving for a year and a half already.  They don’t understand what a blessing they have and it makes me sick.  I am happy for them but I wish they would understand what it’s like to be on the other side.

You know what my highlight was for tonight?  I ordered Pizza Hut- carryout.
I hadn’t had good pizza for at least a year.
I ate 5 1/2 pieces and then I felt sick.  ^_^  It was so great.

I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t have dance.
What happens if I don’t make it in the professional world? 

I called Capezio for an application- I would work Fridays Saturdays and Sundays (my mom would drive me).  I would work around ten hours a day seven days a week. 
God help me.

And I know I don’t have any cause to be writing any of this and I’m sorry for those of you that have it worse. 
I just… sometimes I can’t take it and I really feel like going back to the old me.
And if I do… there will be nothing left to me- I’ll be good as dead.

Peace and Health.

–Inmate–