A shrieking, furious tantrum.

I have a migraine. 

So life doesn’t really make sense right now anyway.  And it’s really oober hard for me to function what with my whole body being irritatingly unresponsive and throbbing fuzzily from neck on up.

But I’m up at the studio.  Don’t need to work until another two hours or so, but here I am.
I didn’t have time to shower before I left or anything and I look fairly like the dead.

I just got so sick of being at home with my father that I had to leave.  This morning was the final straw (of course, this might just be the migraine talking). 

The tension in my house is intolerable.  I was trying to set up cables to my DVD recorder so I could record last year’s solo to send it off to various companies. 
I was struggling with the audio because, I admit, I’m not so hot when it comes to technical gadgets.  And, you know, POUNDING migraine doesn’t help the thinking process much.

Out of nowhere, my dad stands up from the computer, turns around and starts yelling at me.  Which I knew was going to happen.  It’s inevitable nowadays.  I’ve been yelled at for everything.  Pacing.  Eating.  Making too much noise opening a package of something on the counter.  It’s constant.  I practically dread leaving my room.
Anyway, this morning he started yelling about how I have no idea what I’m doing and how he has to do everything in the damn house and I’m going to break the equipment anyway and holy shit YADA YADA YADA.

I packed all of my work up and went into my room.  My mom came in and asked if there was anything she could do. 
I said, "Yes.  Please take me to the studio with you."

So now I’m kinda just sitting here.  I can’t dance because I’ll make my migraine worse (my mom has already been in to scold me over that, heh) but I’m so emotional right now that I need to let it all out. 

It’s eating me. Completely eating me.  

And, alright folks, let’s face it.  The whole reason I’m still at my fucking house is because I loaned him $7,000- all my life’s savings.  And that’s not including what he drained out of my meager college fund.
He won’t pay me back (not that he’s making any money to).  Says he deserved all that money as payback for him taking care of me for 19 years of my life.
…Yes, he actually said that to me.  To my face.  Seriously. 
It almost set me off (which has happened only once so far in my life).  Almost. 
Not just because I have been taking care of myself (except for most groceries) for SIX years.  But also because suddenly, I owed him $7000 for him deciding to have me.  WHAT!?
Yep.  So where most 19 year olds have had their parents buy them their first car (shitty or no), have helped them to drive, helped them into college… I’ve got to pay him back for putting up with me and then I get to teach myself how to drive and buy my own car.
And my mom works 11 hour days at a $7 an hour job with no health coverage or insurance.

As I said, and this could still be the migraine talking but FUCK you, Dad.  FUCK you. 
Stay home all day and play Solitaire on the computer.  Insult your family on a daily basis.  Complain about having to do mundane things like feed the dog.  Refuse to get a job.  File an abuse case against my mom.  Drink a 6 pack every day. 

But could I leave the house, even if I had the money?  Could I leave my mother with him?  Who knows what would happen. 
With his alcoholism, there’s no telling.  And they’ve been together for, blast… *thinks* almost 40 years.  This is so hard on my mom.
There’s so much tension between them that it hurts me.  Most of the times when they try to talk to each other it turns into an arguement.  So they both just yell at me. 
I’m SICK of it. 

I can’t believe I have to deal with this shit.  I never thought it would be me that is sitting in this situation right now.  It makes me want to cry.
Plus, you know… there’s a tsunami going on inside of my head.

But my brother’s in love with a hippie and they’ve decided to move in together around March.  I’m so happy for them.  : ) 
I should probably call him tomorrow when my parents leave for the store (I’m staying home so I can work on the DVD recorder…) and explain what’s going on.  We texted for a few hours this morning but he doesn’t even know about my dad’s affair. 
It might not be a good thing because my brother, Kyle, isn’t particularily fond of my dad to begin with.  My bro is supposed to come down after shoulder surgery in November and if Kyle knows what has been happening and sees firsthand what has been going on…
Shit.  My brother is big and my brother is deadly. 
Just shit. 

INMATE

Wearing::  the same sweatpants I always wear and a green t shirt that has "Little Miss Trouble" on it, with the character from Mr. Grumpy and Mr. Happy books.  : )
Last ate::  Chocolate Chex and peanut butter.  I’m not even eating right at the moment.  My self esteem is about the size of a lima bean.
Feeling::  Downright shitty.