…

I suppose if you read this, there is no harm done.  Fyi, I will sound like a pre-teen … hitting puberty and bitching and whining.  I’m writing this header after I wrote my entry… and I will start off with saying that I’m ashamed and I am sorry.  To anyone who reads this, to God and to myself.  I’m just really sorry. 
I fell off my horse.  I admit it.  I need to get back on. 
And I need to take time to heal but in order to take any time to myself it means I have to talk to someone, in person, about my feelings.  And I don’t want to. 
It’s going to take a while to get back on.  If I lose favorites because of this, if I lose friends, if I lose readers… so be it. 
Above all, I write for myself.  I write for the therapy it brings.  I write for the knowledge and the understanding to handle myself.

With that said…

 

 

I don’t even know what to say.

Well… news is grim.

I’m planning on spending this coming Sunday-Wednesday with Jeana, which means I get to leave home for a while.
Honestly, all I want to do is curl up into oblivion but I know I need to go.  I need to get out in the world again.

I’ve developed an eating disorder… I won’t get into it because I don’t want sympathy nor do I want advice, I just think it’s time I admit some facts.  Maybe that simple action will help. 
Anyway.  I don’t know when my self esteem dipped so low.  Probably when the people I care about the most began turning away from me.

I don’t want to do anything but work out.
Everything is SO much simpler when you work out.  You have a specific goal and you know how to do it and no matter what, you DO it.
I’m pretty beat up at the moment because I go and I go and I go. 

I have so much SHIT I need to get done and I can’t seem to A) Focus or B) Have the ideas C) Have the means to do it. 

I’m so angry right now I feel like punching the shit out of something.  I tried dancing but even that failed- all of my flaws and sore muscles get me even angrier and then that’s dangerous because I want to fucking hurt myself and then that will be very bad.

I got a "migraine" last Monday that I think was a panic attack… I told my mom and she didn’t even listen to me. 
Then again, my mom is bad at listening when I finally break down and tell her important stuff.  I remember YEARS ago when I sucked up all of my pride, all of my honor, and ASKED FOR HELP: I told her I wanted to kill myself.  She stared at me like I had three heads, told me never to tell her anything like that ever again and to stop lying to her and to myself.
That night I wound up standing, dazedly, in an enormous puddle of my own blood.
But, of course, I was lying.  And I never talked to her about it again, despite the repeated phone calls from school counselors, principals, friends… blech-

I am just… so scared.  I can’t afford to go down that road again.  I think that’s what’s most scary.

I hate my parents, I hate my appearance, I don’t get out, I hate my body, I hate food, I just… hate.
And I don’t hate.  I don’t place blame.  And I believe I blame my father for all of this.

What’s happening to me?

I teach three hours tonight and I have nothing prepared.  I don’t even care.  I want to die.  So I’m fucking up children’s education because I can’t even get my head on straight.

I’m sorry to write things depressing.  If I don’t write for a while it’s because I’m out of town.

 

-INMATE-

P.S.  I don’t want notes.  But, if you are of any faith, a prayer would be awesome… 

 

EDIT*********
My family owes my grandparents money for bankruptcy fees.  We just found out that the money we’ve been working so hard to pay them back with (with them screaming obscenities and hatred at us)… they’ve been spending on some scam in Israel. 
And now they’re even more furious at us because we’re refusing to fund them and their SCAM.  They’ll send random people thousands and thousands of dollars where we, their own BLOOD, can barely afford groceries. 
And my mom doesn’t have time or money to take them to court.
God.  Sometimes I just want to give up.