04/29/2009

I’ve come to a lot of realizations lately.

I’ve realized I’m going to move halfway across country.  I’ve realized I’ve fully commited myself to Kelly and moving out with him is me admitting that commitment to the world.  I’ve realized my teaching days are limited (which is probably a good thing, it’s driving me CRAZY).  The days of knowing people EVERYWHERE I go will be over in just a few months.  I’ve realized I’ve put my entire faith into my dance career and I will follow it to its end if it kills me. 
I’ve realized… that I’m "grown up". 
I used quotations because being grown up is a silly thing- I don’t feel grown up but in others eyes I am fully responsible for myself and my decisions.

On one hand I am fully ready for this change but on the other I am scared shitless.  I can’t view myself in a few months with all of these changes coming into play.  It’s overwhelming.

I’m still pulling crazy, crazy hours.  Spring show marks the end of the fall season as far as dance is concerned- there are three massive performances in one day and then it’s summer classes which are a lot more laid back.  I’m not renewing my contract for next fall.  I’ll be leaving for Los Angeles with the love of my life to pursue my dance career. 

I turned 21 a little time back.  Didn’t have time to celebrate til last weekend. 
I went out of town to visit my best friend and we were supposed to go to the bar that Saturday night.  I fell asleep by 2000.
Pretty pathetic.  But Kelly did take me out for dinner Friday night and I ordered wine with dinner.  I was unbelievably stoked.  😀

I still don’t have my license- I should be capable of passing the test, I just haven’t had a morning off in a while.  I need to go get that next week, probably Tuesday.  I won’t have a car but… I’ll be able to run to the store at least.

A lot of big steps are ahead of me and I have someone to undertake them with. 
I’m struggling a lot with self esteem and I’m CHOCK full of self doubt.

As a matter of fact, honestly I’m scared shitless.  I don’t know if I can do this.
I don’t want dance and Kelly to conflict and I think that’s my biggest issue.

Ah, well.  Que sera sera.

-INMATE-