Entry 801: Safe Places

Once again, this has become a sort of safe place to just be. I have a tiktok that’s gained followers after talking about being trans and getting told no about adoption because trauma. 

But until recently, until rereading my entries, I didn’t think there was trauma.

I’m still not sure what the trauma necessarily is, but I know it is actually there. 

My relationship with my dad is weird. I think he is the cause of (some of) my trauma because of who he is and how he was in my childhood but he’s also very much in my life still. 

I was saying to Zoe a while back now, if something happened to my mum, I probably wouldn’t talk to my dad at all. I currently see him each week at cubs because he’s a leader there and we need the leader numbers. But if we didn’t, I wouldn’t.

So we’re trying to take a step back from my family, spending Christmas with my in-laws. And then literally just one day with my parents. 

My brother and his girlfriend have still not moved into their new house yet. I really hope they don’t move in before Christmas. They invited us all round and my parents said yes when Zoe and I have been trying to get them round at ours for 8 years and every single year they’ve had an excuse to say no. 

Our neighbours have put their house up for sale. We’re actually kinda excited. New neighbours! 

Not that the current neighbours aren’t nice. They are nice people, they’re just not our sort of people. They’re not the type of people were you can just text them and have a joke. The neighbour on our other side is and we get on very well with her.

I asked Zoe if we know anyone that is looking for a house that we’d be okay living next door to. She said no. Which, I think is more we don’t know anyone than the we’d be okay living next door to them.

I did say that if my brother and his girlfriend hadn’t already signed papers for the house they’re buying, they could buy it and we’d have a gate in the back to connect the gardens. It would be good. I like my brother. 

I also think though that my parents might actually visit us if they did that. I can’t wait for my parents to visit my brother all the time and be like “we visit you loads!”

Which is a lie. They haven’t been round since before the bathroom work started. So they’ve not been round this year actually. Ha. Okay.

Okay.

Forever, cynical,

-Jack