Entry 796:

I’m tired.

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I’m just so tired. I’m full of cold so that doesn’t help. I’ve not slept well in… years. I have suffered with insomnia since at least 14/15. I needed help then, not to be ignored and given ultimatums. I have been the doctors. I have had medication, I have tried herbal treatments, I have tried excessive exercise. I can just never seem to get enough sleep. 

I’m constantly thinking of everything. I’m having to do a lot. Not everything, I don’t have to do everything. But I have to do a lot. People want a lot from me and I can’t seem to give it.

I think my depression is creeping in and making a nest. It hasn’t been so bad recently. My Facebook feed is full of those happy inspiring general posts. Full of “memories” that I reshare. I don’t post anything of substance anymore. I’m not sure the word anymore is the right word. I’m not sure I posted anything of substance in the first place, but who does, really? 

I was out shopping with my wife at the start of September, we stopped at a general everything store. I got out rhe car and stepped onto the curb, walked down the side of my car and stepped off the curb. My ankle just gave way from underneath me and I fell. My knee bled, a lot. People in cars stopped to check I was okay. It made me feel old. Its the second time my feet have just not supported me in a few weeks.

The scab on my knee has just came off. It probably won’t scare but it looks like it could. My ankle is still sore when I bend it side to side. I can walk on it fine. I can move it up and down and there’s no pain or discomfort. 

But you know when you wiggle your foot into your shoe? Or bring you foot up to cross you leg over your knee, ankle resting on your knee sort of position? It aches. It has a pulling sensation from the bumpy bit on the outside all the way down and round to the back of my foot/heel. 

It can’t be that badly injured if I’ve been walking on it and driving with it for a month, can it? 

-Jack