Entry 787: Understanding My Teen Years & Trauma

I’m officially caught up on my life since I was last here.

I was talking to Zoe about it. I think we may have found my trauma? Although, I’m not sure trauma is the correct terminology here as I’m not sure it is actually trauma.

I tried looking for a definition of trauma, and all I can find is;

trauma

/ˈtrɔːmə,ˈtraʊmə/

Medicine

noun

noun: trauma; plural noun: traumata; plural noun: traumas

a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

“a personal trauma like the death of a child”

emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may lead to long-term neurosis.

“the event is relived with all the accompanying trauma”

So by that definition, I do not have trauma. But also reading through my entries, I’m not sure what else to call my teenage years. They were not a joyous time. I lost so many friends and no longer speak to many people from that time in my life.

LJay. I have no contact with her, no way to contact her anymore either. (I’ve searched Facebook but no sign…)
Jode & Nath. I have no contact with either of them… A lot happened with Jode. He came out as trans around the same time as I did and he said I was just copying him. We were at the same stage in our transition so obviously we would continue at the same pace. (After a quick Facebook search, I have found him…)
Sam & Grace. I have no contact with either of them, and again, I’m not sure how I would. (I have found Grace on Facebook, but I can’t remember Sam’s surname to search for her)
Bridie. I still have her on Instagram but we don’t talk.
Emma. I have her on twitter, but we don’t talk at all.
Danie. Like all of the others, no contact. She stayed in contact with Jode though. (I have found her on Facebook…)
~~Ash.~~ Ben. I still have some vague contact with him. He is also now trans too.
Emily. I actually still see Emily on a regular basis. She has been going through some stuff and since my wife, Zoe, is her best friend, I never expected to lose her. She does dip in and out when she gets a new girlfriend, but we’re always here for when she comes back.
Danni, Antony, Phil, Nathan. I’m still actually in contact with them. They pulled their heads out of their arses and realised I was going through some shit and I needed someone other than the cishet friendship group that they were/are. They’re all still really close to one another. Danni and Antony are still together. Nathan is still there. Phil has just got married. We’re not as close as either of us originally planned to be when we were younger, I’m not sad about it though.
Sarah. She’s my best friend. She’s recently had a baby, she owns her own home with her boyfriend and it’s not actually too far away from Zoe and me.
My Family. Now that’s something all together. We were okay. My parents are my parents. Having Zoe around has been a massive help to how they interacted with me. My brother is a completely different thing. He has a girlfriend. They’re in the process of buying a house together. There’s too much to unload here. It’s been 8 years.

I’m not sure what else to add to this right now. I was a dramatic teenager. But aren’t all teenagers? I was frequently and consistently let down by relationships, friendships and family. I went through many big life changing experiences and I sought out help from people online because the people in my real world could not, would not and did not help. If anything, many of them were actively unhelpful.

Forever, confused,

-Jack